Philly Front Office

Yesterday was the deadline for MLB teams and players to exchange arbitration figures. This is the incredibly weird process by which the parties squabble about how much the player is worth in front of a panel of pseudo-Judges that have to pick a winner. Yes, the team will trash its player to his face in order to try to pay him a little less money. They can always meet in the middle beforehand, which would make the contract guaranteed. However, if there is a hearing and the team doesn’t like the result, they can simply cut the player with no monetary repercussion. MLB owners are slimy fucks.

Thankfully, the Phillies reached agreements with all of their arbitration eligible players (so, yes, that whole preamble was just so I could call the owners slimy fucks). This means we can finally see the real money the Phillies are going to be paying this year. With some other factors still at an estimate, it seems like between $299m and $304m in actual taxable payroll.

Anyway, here are the salaries and the arguments not made by the Phillies:

Ranger Suarez signs for $8.8m (projected at $11.3m)

• Phillies – Sure you do everything asked of you, everyone loves you, and you looked like the Cy Young favorite in the first half, but…but…ummm…
• Ranger – [slowly takes off hat to reveal his perfect hair, doesn’t say a word]
• Phillies – [covers mic] Damn he’s good.

Alec Bohm signs for $7.7m (projected at $8.1m)

• Phillies – If you take away his height, his cool hair, and knowledge of the strike zone, all you have is the only player on this whole roster that we can get mad at because all the other underperformers have bigger contracts or are best friends with Bryce.
• Alec – ?

Bryson Stott signs for $3.2m (projected at $2.87m)

• Phillies (represented by Bryce Harper) – I think we should pay him more money and extend my contract too.
• Bryson – [winks at the panel]

Edmundo Sosa signs for $3m (projected at $3.38m)

• Phillies – do you remember when you hit that umpire in the ear with a throw? People don’t forget.
• Edmundo – You realize I am the only right-handed hitter on this team right?

Brandon Marsh signs for $3m (projected at $3.4m)

• Brandon – wait you gave Edmundo $3m? But I play every day!!!
• Phillies – about that…

Garrett Stubbs signs for $925k

• Garrett – The extra T is for extra talent
• Phillies – If we give you any more money, we will have to cut the Party Boy Budget.
• Garret – I submit.

Jesus Luzardo signs for $6.225m

• Jesus – I want this in dollars.
• Marlins – How about Marlins Money?
• Jesus – Dollars.
• Marlins – Billy Bucks?
• Jesus – American. Dollars.
• Marlins – [deep sigh] I’ll call Dave.

(all projections from spotrac.com)