Philly Front Office

Are you ready??? It’s Sixers. It’s Raptors. It’s the biggest battle for 5th best lottery odds the league has ever seen!!!

Can the heroic and hobbled Sixers, without Tyrese Maxey, Paul George, Joel Embiid, Jared McCain, Eric Gordon, and hopefully Kelly Oubre and Andre Drummond undercome (opposite of overcome?) those rapscallion Raptors and their diabolically “injured” lineup without Brandon Ingram, RJ Barrett, Immanuel Quickley, Grady Dick, new folk hero Ja’Kobe Walter (no doubt benched for winning that game last week), and probably Scottie Barnes? Both teams are pulling out all the stops as the season draws to a close. There are sure to be fireworks in Scotiabank Arena tonight! Oh…we aren’t budgeted for fireworks? Then more like the craziest candlelight vigil you’ve ever attended!

Starting lineups

Both teams are without most starters assuming Barnes and Oubre don’t play with literally only Jacob Poetl in line to start. That’s 9 out of 10!!! That is exquisite roster craftsmanship from true masters. A regular Thomas Kincade (he was the guy with the store in the mall, right?). In fact, it’s so impressive that only 17 total players may dress. That’s 8 for Toronto and 9 for the Sixers. Can we get a (Quentin) Grimey 50-Burger in a loss???

If I wasn’t a self-hating psychopath, I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about the Sixers. Alas… At least it took me a few seconds to figure out the name Walker on the injury report, thrown for a loop when I didn’t see “IV” at the end for Lonnie. For starters, let’s go with Grimes, Edwards, Yabusele, Butler and … no idea who is going to play the other forward spot without Oubre. What a beautiful disaster this is.

How about the Raptors? Absolutely no clue…and that is truly terrifying. These guys are dead serious about losing this game. I only learned who AJ Lawson was because he saved them the other night against Washington with 32 points. As for everyone else other than Poetl? Chris Boucher, I’ve heard of him. He has apparently missed the last two weeks getting his wisdom teeth removed…very wise (never sorry). Temple…is that Danny Temple? Oh wait, Garret Temple? Now he’s a name from yesteryear. He was good once, right? Let’s check in on his stats: 18 games played, 11 points. Dang. Please start him tonight Toronto. I refuse to look up “Robinson” who I remember from a recent game I watched against Orlando. I couldn’t believe someone so bad was getting minutes in crunch time over Barrett, Quickley, and Barnes. What a team! That leaves Shead, Rhoden, and Castleton. No idea who they are and I refuse to learn.

Recent Games

The Raptors inexplicably keep winning games despite regularly resting and benching their best players. They have won 4 out of 5. The Sixers have gone on a serious…is it still a run if it’s losing? Anyway, they have lost 13 out of 15 and firmly announced themselves as a player for the 5th best lottery odds.

Final Boss

Unfortunately, even with Toronto’s recent good fortune and the Sixers rounding into Process form, those evil Nets from Brooklyn may pose the biggest threat to our sanity. At 22-43 and with a loss last night, Brooklyn actually moved into a tie with Toronto last night for #5. Even with a win, the Sixers can only share that tie. In the end, Toronto can only do so much with their roster. They aren’t hurt and they have talent. Deliberately tanking the ends of games isn’t cool, no matter how much I respect it. Unless the Sixers shut down Maxey for the season, we might be in a similar spot. He at least has to miss out on some future barn burners against New Orleans and Washington (and the next Most Important Game of the Season against Toronto).

The stakes could not be bigger. The difference between getting the 5th seed and the 7th seed are enormous. Nothing is guaranteed, but at the 5th spot, there is 64% chance of keeping our first-round draft pick. at #7, it drops to 29.3%. Granted, we still have to give up the pick next year, but we can’t be worse than this disaster, right? Now please, pardon me while I hopefully get mauled by a dinosaur.