Philly Front Office

I was just writing an apology to everyone who knows me who would be shocked that I didn’t use the Fast and the Furious naming scheme, and, well, I just couldn’t not do that. Obviously, Tokyo Draft is coming next. To help with understanding team motivations, I have conveniently labeled each team as its most comparable Fast and the Furious character.

Last time we did this was pre-combine, now we check in post free agency to see how any of the pickups changed things. Still no trades in this one. There will be one more before the draft kicks off with full predictions.

1. Tennessee Titans – QB Cam Ward
   • Vince’s Wife – Starting with the most obscure name on the list. The Titans have made a TON of bad decisions not unlike Vince’s wife who not only married Vince but had a kid with him too. She ends up a multi-millionaire in the end with Vince dead. Talk about coming up roses in the end.
   • There is word out there that the Giants are preparing to trade up to get Ward, but I can’t see them actually pulling the trigger. It would probably behoove the Titans, who are in need of everything, to trade down a few times with this gift, but drafting Ward is also an incredibly safe and good idea. They picked up some veteran offensive linemen in free agency which suggests they are looking to protect a new QB. I think they are going the safe route.
2. Cleveland Browns – EDGE Abdul Carter
   • The Fat Cop in 2 Fast – The guy got in bad with the worst people and has no way out, getting tortured by Deshaun Watson, I mean Carter Verone. He’s also crappy, undeservedly cocky, and unimportant.
   • The Browns are still a mess and have no interest in trading this pick to get off Watson’s contract. They have brought back Myles Garrett though, traded for Kenny Pickett, and are talking themselves into Carson Wentz. Nothing really makes sense for a team with no direction and poor decision making. They should really trade down or take Shadeur Sanders, but will probably go with Abdul Carter or Travis Hunter. Went with Hunter last time.
3. NY Giants – QB Jaxson Dart
   • Agent Stasiak – Regularly gets his nose broken by his rival, Brian O’Connor, and is around purely for comic relief. He then helps Brian defeat his biggest enemy and gets punched in the nose again. Sounds a whole lot like Saquon and the Eagles.
   • The Giants are going to talk themselves into Dart because he is white and has a cool name. That’s not a joke. The Giants want a star at QB and will convince themselves that Dart has it because his name is Jaxson Dart. This is a very dumb football team that has shown itself incapable of understanding value in any way.
4. New England Patriots – OT Will Campbell
   • Owen Shaw – A cunning super villain of the highest order who eventually got too bloodthirsty and lost the plan. He gives the smallest of help to the team in rescuing Dom’s baby, like giving us a 3rd round comp pick for Milton Williams, because they also hate the Cipher and the Chiefs.
   • All in on defense and I mean ALL IN. They spent a ton of money but still need to protect the QB. They are smart enough not to go for Travis Hunter at this spot and will go for either Will Campbell or Armand Membou who both crushed the combine. Campbell is a little taller but Membou is a little longer. It is a toss up.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars – CB/WR Travis Hunter
   • Sean Boswell – Just the lowest of low stakes in terms of allies in the league. They signed Nick Foles and Doug Pederson but are almost completely useless overall. Sean is only relevant for knowing Han.
   • While they should probably focus on their lines, the Jaguars have a new offensive minded coach, have had reported free agent interest in WRs and CBs, and have an owner who likes to be flashy. This all screams Travis Hunter. If he is available, look for the Jags to be the team to take the plunge.
6. Las Vegas Raiders – EDGE Shemar Stewart
   • Vince – Old Coyotes R’ Us is lovable but a total dummy. Neither will ever make a good decision and is stuck in the worst situation. Vince makes the wrong decision thinking he should give the chip to Reyes and is ostracized from the team only to help us in the end. Thank you for picking Tyree Wilson Raiders, we wouldn’t have Jalen Carter without you.
   • I really thought the Raiders were destined for Shadeur Sanders until they traded for Geno Smith. Sanders is still on the table, and this is a possible landing place for Hunter, but I think they go another way. Here is the thing about the Raiders, they almost always draft the most athletic guys. Being able to play football is nowhere near the top of their virtue list. They hope Hunter is here, but it’s going to be Stewart. He absolutely blew away the combine, but is not actually good at football. Sounds like a Raider, right?
7. NY Jets – OT Armand Membou
   • Jessie – They had a bad life but started to pull things together. The Jets drafted better and Jessie got in with Dom’s crew. Everything was going great until they got stupid and tried to take on something they weren’t prepared for. The Jets traded for Aaron Rodgers and Jessie took on Johnny Tran. It got both of them killed.
   • This really should have been Shadeur Sanders spot, but with the Jets signing Justin Fields takes him off the table. Granted, they should take him, but they won’t. They still see themselves as contenders! Not that taking a quality OT is a bad idea by any means. The Jets will end up being smart by being dumb and signing Fields.
8. Carolina Panthers – WR Tetairoa McMillan
   • Hector – Barely a part of the story and helps everyone else out. They both even catch strays from crappy shit-talkers like me and Ja Rule.
   • So far the Panthers have gone all in on defense, making some big signings and almost getting Milton Williams. Had it not been for the Tershawn Wharton signing, this would have been Mason Graham’s final destination. Instead, we stay steady on the WR help. Bryce Young showed significant improvement the second half of last season and would have beaten the Eagles if Xavier Legette had better hands. Let’s give him those better hands.
9. New Orleans Saints – CB Will Johnson
   • Johnny Tran – Acts tough. Looks cool in black. You think they are the main bad guy, but both are just low-grade bullies. They also both talk a lot of shit and get punched in the mouth by Dom and the Eagles even when we really have nothing to do with them.
   • The Saints were a bit all over the place in free agency, signing Justin Reid and bringing back Chase Young for too much. Every time they have a chance to fix their cap situation…they don’t. Even though they need everything, they don’t have any corners. After trading Lattimore, they let Paulson Adebo walk too. It’s going to be Johnson even when the pick should be Mason Graham.
10. Chicago Bears – TE Tyler Warren
    • Tego Calderon and Don Omar – Just here for comic relief. They are considered the good guys even when they make bad decisions and they help Dom/Eagles out whenever they are around. Big thanks to them too for giving us Jalen Carter. Tu feo!
    • This team probably doesn’t know what it’s doing not unlike their characters. That’s why they are sticking with a tight end instead of improving along the trenches.
11. SF 49ers – DT Mason Graham
    • Carter Verone – A lower stakes villain, but a great villain nonetheless. Shanahan acts like a genius, but as soon as he has to pivot away from his plan, he is terrible at adjusting. Same thing happened to Verone. His boys never saw the Ejecto Seato move coming and got his boat boarded by a flying car. How do you not plan for that???
    • SF went from having everything to needing a lot very quickly. To make room for the future they are taking this year off from contention, not unlike Carter Verone promising Roman that he’ll be out of jail soon. They aren’t dumb and will fortify their lines first.
12. Dallas Cowboys – OT Kelvin Banks
    • The DK – He thinks he’s a badass because his relatives were badasses. Instead, he’s busy drifting in parking lots while everyone else is doing important stuff. He’s never done anything just like the Cowboys over the last 30 years.
    • The DK is obviously good at one thing, drifting. As much as I want to make fun of the Cowboys and have them pick Jeanty, Jerry isn’t going to do that. He knows how to draft and knows the value of a good lineman. Unfortunately for both, their biggest rival used to be bad at this one aspect until they got so good that they passed them by.
13. Miami Dolphins – CB Jahdae Barron
    • Roman Pierce – Double Alpha. All the flash and all the bullshit. They are good to keep around for comic relief but are never going to be the hero.
    • Both the Dolphins and Roman love fast cars. Jahdae Barron ran a 4.39 40 at the combine. With Ramsey getting older and no one else ready to step in, Barron fits their MO too well.
14. Indianapolis Colts – TE Colston Loveland
    • Dwight (the guy who talks shit and Brian gets kicked off Braga’s driving team in Fast 4) and the BMW Driver (who loses to Brian and Dom) – About as insignificant as it gets. If anything, Dwight should thank Brian for saving his life by getting him thrown off that team. The Eagles took Nick Sirianni and gave them Frank Reich and Shane Steichen.
    • Anthony Richardson is a very fast car. The problem is that he has no idea how to control himself with the kind of competition around him. Colston Loveland will help him get under control.
15. Atlanta Falcons – WR Luther Burden
    • Jakob Toretto – He was the bad guy for a little while but then turned into pure comic relief. That’s basically the Falcons when it comes to drafting.  The Falcons thought they needed a QB so they brought in Kirk Cousins. Unfortunately, they found out unexpectedly that Michael Penix was available and didn’t need Cousins after all. I am terribly sorry to John Cena to compare him to Kirk Cousins, but when the Rock is available, you start him.
    • And because the Rock is here, you have to cater to what he needs. This means no offensive linemen and no defense. They are going WR.
16. Arizona Cardinals – DT Walter Nolan
    • Leon – They went to that one Super Bowl and were never seen again. With Jonathan Gannon running the show down there, he is part of the original crew. It’s completely coincidental that the character for Arizona said the Coyotes R’ Us line and just like the hockey team, isn’t around anymore.
    • I would have had them drafting one of the falling EDGE rushers, but they brought in Josh Sweat in free agency.
17. Cincinnati Bengals – EDGE Jalon Walker
    • Ramsey – This is a fun team that seems to be one of the good guys in the league, but they are only good at one thing. Ramsey knows computers, but she can’t drive a car. What is that??? You can’t expect to ever be one of the real heroes without being able to play defense…I mean drive.
    • They still seem like they are going to trade Hendrickson rather than pay him even though it is dragging on. They already gave away all the money to the offense and should trade Hendeickson for picks to use on more cheap defenders. If they could flip Hendrickson for 2 high picks and draft 3 defensive linemen, they will be a better team.
18. Seattle Seahawks – OT Josh Conerly
    • Tej – They used to be one thing and now they are completely different. I could be talking about the Legion of Boom Pete Carrol years or just getting rid of DK (Drift King?!?!?) Metcalf and Geno Smith. Either way, Tej went from running all kinds of schemes down in Miami to being a computer wizard. Both have been moderately successful in reinventing themselves.
    • For some reason, if there is a need and a local guy, that usually becomes a good match. The Fast series needed a computer guy and Tej was just sitting there. Why not keep him around? Conerly is from Seattle, went to Oregon, and fits a desperate need.
19. Tampa Bay Bucs – LB Jihaad Campbell
    • Deckard Shaw – We used to be mortal enemies. We still don’t like each other (Justice for Donovan/Han), but they did write the blueprint for beating the Chiefs. I have to respect their game, they are just doing their job. Plus, they even beat us last year and toughened us up for a Super Bowl run. I don’t know about inviting them to a BBQ though.
    • It just has to be a LB. The Bucs always have alpha linebackers and Campbell is the alpha linebacker of this year. It makes too much sense.
20. Denver Broncos –  EDGE Mykel Williams
    • Mr. Nobody – Am I saying the Broncos are as cool as Kurt Russell? No. No one is as cool as Kurt Russell. But they have a lot of history of good teams and regularly know what they are doing. Same goes for Sean Payton, he has been to war before and seems in control, even if I hate him. Look for them to be smart and let the draft come to them.
    • They haven’t had a pass rush threat since Von Miller left. They brought in more of a linebackers linebacker in Dre Greenlaw so they still need someone to get to the QB. I don’t know enough about any prospect to know if they are better off in a 3-4 that it looks like Denver will employ this year.
21. Pittsburgh Steelers – QB Shadeur Sanders
    • Gisele – She was kept around for solid performance, but never really does anything crazy. Just when you think she’s dead, she comes back. Unfortunately, her without Han and the Steelers without a QB just doesn’t work. This is a reunion that everyone involved needs.
    • THEY DO NOT HAVE A QB. Even if they sign Aaron Rodgers, they still don’t have a QB. They are probably the best situation possible for Sanders and it would definitely explain the trade for Metcalf.
22. LA Chargers – DT Kenneth Grant 
    • Ronda Roussey – I’m sure she has a name in the movie, but who cares? She played her part as a tough guy and was forgettable. That’s the Chargers. You look formidable with your perfectly cast QB, but in the end, you just lose to the bigger stars. Nothing to see here.
    • There is absolutely no chance a Michigan guy with talent at a position of need is getting past Jim Harbaugh.
23. Green Bay Packers – EDGE James Pierce
    • Fenix – “Only pussies run nitro meth.” Fenix runs nitro meth. Green Bay wants to ban the Tush Push. Yeah…the Packers run nitro meth.
    • The knock on Pierce is that he is talented but completely unruly and uncoachable. Perfect for the crazy Fenix who gets baited into causing a giant explosion by Dom. “D’jou looked under my hood?”
24. Minnesota Vikings –  S Malaki Starks
    • Letty – I’m sorry to say, but despite always looking tough, she is the one who needs to be saved rather than the one doing the saving. When she tries to do the saving, she got herself killed…at least for a little while. The Vikings are never the hero.
    • They did get much better though. This is a roster with no big holes except for QB. If JJ McCarthy can be a franchise QB, well then maybe Letty is going to save Dom this time. Safety is the only position that looks like it could use a real boost other than as always offensive line. Starks is the best available at this point.
25. Houston Texans –  OT Josh Simmons
    • Han – He had a better car and was a better driver than DK but only got himself killed because of something unexpected…the referees – I mean Deckard Shaw. Han can do a little bit of everything, but obviously needed better protection, not unlike Houston and CJ Stroud.
    • This team has even less of an offensive line than the Swiss cheese they put out last year after they traded Leramy Tunsil and Kenyon Green to the NFC East. The pick has to be the best offensive lineman available, in this case Simmons.
26. LA Rams – RB Ashton Jeanty
    • Braga – They are always thinking two steps ahead and seem to be drafting very well now. They might get too cute though thinking that the rest of the team is so good that they will never be caught.
    • I want them to take Jalen Milroe but with Stafford resigning, I think that’s out this year. Instead, they fill in their biggest roster hole in hopes of making their roster too explosive to stop. If anyone should take Jeanty, it’s them.
27. Baltimore Ravens – DT Derrick Harmon
    • Reyes – Everything just falls into their lap in their cushy spot on the draft board. In the end, this always keeps them competitive, but never with that edge to get them over the hump. Like Reyes, Baltimore’s defense was relying just on reputation last year and was shredded by Dom and Hobbs.
    • Are they the ones to take a chance on Mike Green? He is someone who is talented but is completely off some draft boards. They need defenders though as they know they have to face the Chiefs and Bills every year.
28. Detroit Lions – EDGE Nic Scourton
    • Hobbs – This is more of a Vin Diesel versus The Rock kind of thing. Are they enemies? Yeah. Most people don’t know it though because of the movies. If you know the story, the tension bubbled under the surface for years before exploding. Lions fans and Eagles fans are fine now, but that is going to change big time next year. This will be the biggest feud in the NFL shortly.
    • Detroit is smart enough to know how to build a roster. For a team pretty stocked everywhere, they are going to stay around the trenches. Getting to the Eagles and Jalen Hurts is going to be their top priority.
29. Washington Football Team –  OG Grey Zabel
    • Edwin (Ja Rule) – “Dude, I almost had you.” I know this was Brian saying this, but Edwin got smoked in that race after trying to act cool. “Almost had me? You never had me. You never had your car.” And Ja Rule never had Monica. Washington thought they they were an inch away from going to the Super Bowl last year. But they didn’t lose by an inch, they lost by a mile. “MONNICCCAAAAAA”
    • They cannot be serious about letting go of Jonathan Allen and replacing him with Jevon Kinlaw, right? Maybe they are. They might even be better served worrying about Jalen Carter rather than trying to get past our offensive line.
30. Buffalo Bills – WR Emeka Egbuka
    • Brian O’Connor – If we need to give one team the other hero treatment, it’s the Bills. EVERYONE wants them to beat the Chiefs.
    • They need more horsepower if they want to beat the Chiefs. Give Josh Allen the horsepower he needs please.
31. Kansas City Chiefs – EDGE Mike Green
    • Cipher – She always seemed to have a plan and even killed Elena without giving her a chance to defend herself (like beating us 2 years ago on that call). In the end though, no matter how much of an offensive genius she thinks she is, she got beat by American Muscle. Plus, her hair is stupid.
    • They got their ass beat six ways from Sunday in the Super Bowl and should probably just fold the franchise. Tyler Booker is the honest pick, but these guys are a-holes and will pick the most morally questionable and talented guy available because that’s what they do.
32. Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles – TRADE – They just won’t pick at this spot so I won’t try to guess. Wherever they end up picking in the second round it will be for a Tight End. My guess is Harold Fannin.
    • Dom – For so many reasons. Being the undisputed toughest guy. Having the best team. Having the undisputed Alpha in Jalen Hurts. But most importantly, FAMILY.
    • Did you see how much everyone loves Brandon Graham at his retirement? He is an Eagle through and through and we will love him forever. He is the third in our veteren quartet to retire and the other two (Kelce and Cox) are still part of the team and part of the celebration. BG will take his spot next to them with Lane Johnson to join him in a few years. This team is set up to be very good for a long time, even with new team members, new family coming in. It isn’t the same squad from 2017 or Fast 1, but we are even stronger and faster and furiouser now. And just because, the Eagles hired the former Bowling Green head coach as the new QB coach. He just happened to coach Fannin last year. Family.