Philly Front Office

For years, I have been watching the movie Draft Day in the lead up to the real NFL Draft. I watched it again last night. It has no business being as good as it is, but every year you simply cannot prepare for the NFL Draft without watching Draft Day.

(DISCLAIMER: Basically, every spoiler possible for the movie)

(DISCLAIMER 2: Way more cursing in this article than the actual movie)

Sonny Weaver Jr, the GM for the Cleveland Browns, is having what people in the business exasperatedly refer to as “a day.” Not only is the first round of the 2014 NFL Draft that night, but he is juggling a few other issues at the moment. Let’s review:

• His father, who is a total legend in Cleveland football, recently passed away. Like earlier that week recently. The reading of his will is that morning which Sonny has no intention of attending.
• He has a secret relationship with a subordinate, Ali. Not only is this a potential HR problem, but considering most of the office is vaguely aware of it, it is undermining his authority within the organization.
• Also about the relationship, Ali is none too pleased that it is going on in secret.
• Also also about the relationship, Sonny just found out she’s pregnant.
• Also also also about the relationship, she left his house in an absolute mood that morning and Sonny knows it. Ouch.
• Cleveland fans hate Sonny because he fired their beloved head coach who, again, also happened to be his father.
• The team has a meddlesome owner who hired a new head coach despite Sonny’s objection.
• That same owner started the day by telling Sonny that if he didn’t make a splash at the draft he would be fired.
• Some of those potential splashes are calling his personal cell phone including two of the biggest dudes you will ever see, pass rushing linebacker nightmare Vontae Mack¹ and Terry Crews, former Cleveland Browns legend and father of FSU running back stud Ray Jennings.
• Are we the only ones who know this? No. Seattle GM Tom Michaels is very aware of Sonny’s current turmoil and plans to take advantage.

This is all before he even got to work that day! Jesus man.

All of the above is just noise because Sonny Weaver only has one dream, to build a team HIS way. Just when he thinks he has that opportunity, Bo Callahan drops in his lap. Bo is the reigning Heisman Trophy winning QB from the University of Wisconsin and projected #1 pick. Seattle holds that #1 pick but their GM has issues of his own. The fanbase wants Callahan, but the owner wants to trade the pick for salary cap relief. Like it or not, Callahan is the pick that will save Sonny’s job. They do the deal, 3 years of first round picks for #1. But wait a second…if Callahan is so perfect, why doesn’t Seattle want him? Perhaps Bo Callahan might not be all that he seems (ominously stares into the camera).

The owner is overjoyed with the trade, immediately flying out to New York to personally hand Callahan his new Browns jersey. He seems to be the only one happy with the deal. New Coach Dennis Leary just wanted a running back, was that too much to ask? He’s pissed because he thought he already had a starting QB, incumbent Brian Drew coming off an injury, and knows that giving up that many picks is organizational suicide.² Oh yeah, did anyone think of letting Drew know? After rehabbing for months, Drew knows that his days are numbered with Callahan coming in and trashes Sonny’s office in frustration. Oh yeah, what about Sonny? This is simply not the team he wanted to build. Who did Sonny want with his original pick? He wrote himself a note to start the day.

Also not happy is Vontae Mack. Mack might be the best defensive player in the draft, but people think he’s a hot head for his celebrations and his need to be on social media. If he doesn’t go to the Browns at #7, he might fall out of the top half of the first round and lose millions of dollars. Unbeknownst to the world, Mack’s sister recently died leaving her two kids in his care. He is NOT fucking around. With the Browns out at #7, Mack lets Sonny know he just screwed up, reminding him just how much he wrecked Bo Callahan that season. Not only did he sack him 4 times and return a fumble for a TD in less than 3 quarters, but he also made Callahan jumpy.

Sonny fucked up to save his job and he knows it. Now things start spiraling. His secret girlfriend’s not giving him the time of day at the office (his office is still trashed by the way), he’s finding out shady elements of Bo Callahan’s character, and his mom and sister are insisting that he spread his father’s ashes and read a goddamn Gaelic poem on the practice field IMMEDIATELY. WTF??? He refuses and throws a laptop in disgust. His mom pulls a total power move and leads the ENTIRE ORGANIZATION out to the practice field to spread the ashes without Sonny. Damn mom! This is when it’s revealed that it was her who had Sonny fire his father for his own health. He’s not a bad son, everyone has just been stepping on him. No more.

With the number 1 pick looming and his father’s memory finally put to rest, Sonny finally decides to start doing things for himself and goes Super Saiyan on the NFL. In the ultimate flex, the Browns take Vontae Mack #1….no matter what. That’s what he wrote to himself to start the day. The owner is pissed, the fans are outraged, and he should be toast. But Sonny Weaver is just getting started.

The NFL completely panics when Bo Callahan doesn’t go #1. Everyone is spooked. What does Cleveland know? Well, not much. It’s not a Laremy Tunsil bong gasmask situation. All they really know is that Bo doesn’t like to look bad³ and doesn’t exactly have the best advisor in agent Puff Daddy. Callahan starts falling down the draft. Seattle is looking great in that they might get Callahan at 7 anyway AND all of Cleveland’s draft picks. Thankfully the Jags have a rookie GM picking at 6 and his head is spinning. Three second round picks later and the Browns are picking at #6.

Sonny just gave away his top 2 picks for the next two years!!! Coach Dennis Leary quits and the owner wants to fire him immediately. Sonny, in his best irritated but still in control Kevin Costner tone, tells them both to give him a minute. He calls up Seattle and Rod Tidwell’s their ass, telling them to show him the picks. All day Seattle had been facing a fan revolt for trading their picks and not getting Callahan. Also, by picking him 6th, they would save a ton of money alleviating their cap problems. “Make the deal you pancake eating motherfucker.” Bo Callahan is going to Seattle and all the picks plus David goddamn Putney are coming back to Cleveland.

There’s only one thing left to do. Call up Terry Crews and tell him his son is going to be a Cleveland Brown. For some reason they take this as happy news, but to each his own. The owner is happy, the coach is happy, and Sonny’s happy. There’s just one more thing…

As he’s walking out that night, hand-in-hand with his baby mama, his two-tone-haired mom is having a moment with the memory of her dead husband. Sonny drops the bomb that she’s going to be a grandmom because he knocked up the woman who gets her coffee. This is obviously the teaser for Draft Day 2: Sonny III.

Full apologies to Intern Rick who had pretty much the best day of his life. He is filling in because extra bodies were needed to crunch very basic cap numbers. He walks in on his boss’s interoffice relationship several times, gets his laptop broken, makes a name for himself in the organization, gets a ground floor view of the craziest draft room in history, and lands a new laptop with all the bells and whistles. What a day for Rick the Intern…and I guess Sonny Weaver.

1. Chadwick Boseman dying is still one of the saddest, most unfair deaths I can remember. Up there with Paul Walker. ↩︎
2. The incredible irony here is just how right he was. In real life the Cleveland Browns made an even worse trade for Deshaun Watson and they are still feeling the effects of it. ↩︎
3. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. Word was that none of his college teammates showed up to his 21st birthday party. Thanks to a nice cameo by Sam Elliot, we know this isn’t true. Turns out the local police just didn’t include their names in the police report when some money got stolen from the venue. Sonny asks Bo about this later because he has literally nothing else to ask him about, it’s a shot in the dark. Oddly, Bo claims to just not remember anything from that night. What a strange response. Sonny was calling to ask about his friends, but Bo went a completely different way. Lying about not having friends would have sounded much different. Did Bo steal the money? ↩︎