Philly Front Office

What is the best way of doing an NBA Mock Draft when you are only familiar with about ten of the prospects? By hiding a lack of knowledge with professional wrestling nostalgia!!! Wait, how do you even make a proper professional wrestling edition mock draft when 16 of the 30 picks have been traded? [deep sigh] Have you ever even watched wrestling, bro? I’m going to let you in on the little secret of how wrestling has flourished for like 60 years…willful ignorance. I’ll just add the trades in after I have my fun. Deal? Great.

1. Dallas Mavericks: Bret Hart – Are they the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be? No. The Mavericks screwed the Mavericks. Now they are being allowed back to the party with Cooper Flagg but still won’t be coming back to title contention again. There days at the top are numbered because they couldn’t stand not winning the title.

• Cooper Flagg – They can’t trade the pick. The fans would revolt. That hasn’t stopped them before though.

2. San Antonio Spurs: Undertaker – Am I a comparing them because they both wear black except for those weird American Badass/Fiesta years? Yes, but it’s not only for that! Both have been steady champions for years and reinvented themselves over time. All we need is for a Taker-Jr to now lead the legacy into a new era. No, this does not mean the Suns are Kane. But it does make Pop the Spurs Paul Bearer (what a name!).

• Dylan Harper – They are going to trade this pick. Maybe not on draft night, but the value of the pick and the player will NEVER be higher. Not that Harper won’t be good, I mean that they could trade him for a prime all-star right now. Don’t worry Spurs fans, Daddy will take care of everything.

3. Philadelphia 76ers: Ric Flair – “Like it or hate it, learn to love it, because it’s the best thing going.” That’s how we felt about the Process. A once proud organization that talked all the shit in the world and had a lot of fun doing it. Unfortunately, both kept competing as main eventers long after they had a chance to actually win, got beat up a lot, tarnished their legacy, and it’s just sad now even if we still see ourselves as contenders. We can look back at the good times, but we are just a hot mess now. WOOOOOO!

• Ace Bailey – If everyone from 3-7 is the same then take the one who fits. Bailey is considered a project, and that’s a good thing on the Sixers. We’ve got the time.

4. Charlotte Hornets: Buff Bagwell – Just a silly, silly organization. “I’m buff and I’m the stuff” is something Lamelo Ball would say after he doesn’t get back on defense.

• Tre Johnson – He might be a star, but he is allergic to defense. Both are very appealing to Charlotte.

5. Utah Jazz: Hacksaw Jim Duggan – Nobody embodies the spirit of the Utah Jazz like Hacksaw, the patriotic nincompoop. The Jazz never take any big swings despite carrying around the 2×4 of draft picks all the time, but parade around like they have a plan. They don’t. By the way, why did Jim carry the wood if he was the hacksaw? Shouldn’t he be the enemy of wood?

• Kon Knueppel – Great shooting white guy alert!!! I bet they thought Cooper Flagg was their destiny. Sorry Danny (Ainge, not Temple).

6. Washington Wizards: Mark Henry – Did you know Sexual Chocolate won a world title? Did you know that the Washington Bullets won a world title in 1978? No on both? It’s probably because they were completely forgettable thereafter. Considering his legitimate accomplishments as a power lifter, maybe this isn’t fair. Who cares about the real world though? Both Henry and Washington are forever as boring as can be.

• VJ Edgecombe – Nobody collects non-stars like the Washington Wizards. If there is somebody worth taking in a draft, they will be the next pick. This is great news for Utah though. Edgecombe will probably be a solid player in the league, but will just be part of the scenery for Washington.

7. New Orleans Pelicans: Big Van Vader – The Charlotte Hornets were fun, then they moved to New Orleans and have been pretty much a total waste ever since. They even bungled the Chris Paul trade when the league stepped in. The WWE absolutely killed his career by screwing up his transition between companies. I don’t even know what happened to him, same goes for the Pelicans. Did you think I did this just because he was overweight and the city of New Orleans makes everyone gain ten pounds?

• Jeremiah Fears – The Pelicans have some nice players but no one to bring them together. He’s the best point guard available.

8. Brooklyn Netropolitans: Marty Jannetty – My friend Chad (an expert on basketball, wrestling, and the Nets and Jannetty specifically) made it very clear that no one else could hold the dubious distinction of being the other Rocker than the Nets. It’s not because they are bad or have been stuck in rehab/rebuild for so long, but just that they got soooo many chances and squandered them all. They tried to dive through the window to escape!

• Derik Queen – They need talent of all kinds. With Nic Claxton already locking down the back end, Queen will be able to focus on doing what he does best, get buckets.

9. Toronto Raptors: The Miz – Completely improbably both managed to rise up from mid card status to win championships. Both act like they are smarter and better than they are but it absolutely worked. Of course they have no plan or juice to get back there now that the run is over, but still. Credit where credit is due…they still might have been a total fraud though. If they continued to be good, Edge would have been the easy comparison. Too bad point shavers.

• Khamen Maluach – What would be the weirdest pick for this team? Toronto waits until everyone zigs twice before they zag (Dolph Zigler???) but that doesn’t mean it works. Just a weird team about to get a center who can’t rebound.

10. Phoenix Suns: “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase – Just throwing around money and acting like an a-hole, all to not win the championship. The Suns basically anointed themselves champions not realizing that they never had a chance. That’s some GREAT heel work by them. Unfortunately, everybody’s got a price Mat Ishbia. (Side note, all the employee labor problems that were present in Phoenix is not unlike Ted’s relationship with Virgil, which WTF!)

• Traded to Houston: Collin Murray-Boyles – They are going to trade this pick, but until then they get basically the opposite of Sengun. The Rockets have guards and wings for days.

Best Wrestlers of All Time:
5. Christian
4. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
3. Kurt Angle
2. Shawn Michaels
1. Ric Flair

Feel free to give your list, but if it isn’t this, you are incorrect.

11. Portland Trailblazers: Matt Hardy – I know they have a championship forever ago and Hardy doesn’t but does any team feel more like a lost puppy than Portland? Without their cooler brother Seattle/Jeff it just seems like they aren’t getting any traction. Yeah, they are semi popular, but why? Nobody really cares about Portland/Matt.

• Kasparas Jakucionis – For a team that has everything and no one at the same time, they should probably make some trades. KJ is a do everything kind of offensive player though who should make it easier to replace anyone lost.

12. Chicago Bulls – The Ultimate Warrior – [Intro music plays, everyone goes berserk] A brief but incredible run to legendary status in the 90s, that is completely nonsensical now knowing the man behind the performance. Am I talking about the Bulls or the Ultimate Warrior? James Hellwig and Jerry Reinsdorf are both pretty terrible, but you can’t deny that for a little while the wrestler and the Bulls were both the center of their universe. Warrior caught lightning in a bottle but was a pretty terrible wrestler and even worse person. The Bulls have 6 championships but all were because of Jordan and the team has done nothing before or since. It’s hard to consider either the franchise or the wrestler elite because we know what has happened since their peak.  Is there a team/wrestler who deserves their elite status less?¹

• Jase Richardson – This team is baffling, so who knows. I’ll go with the athletic son from a somewhat nearby college. That’s better reasoning than Chicago will have for whatever they end up doing

13. Sacramento Kings – Bushwhacker Luke: One half of a tag team that everyone knew wasn’t ever going to do anything important. Really just in the league for comic relief. After slightly improving and becoming a feel good story two years ago, they are headed right back to obscurity. Wait, if they are the crappy brother, who is the other one?

• Traded to Atlanta: Egor Demin – Let’s assume they trade Trae and get a point guard who might be able to contribute to winning for once while being the complete opposite of Young. Also, what happened to naming someone Igor and just letting everyone go ham and pronouncing E-gor? I’m calling this guy EYE-gor.

14. Atlanta Hawks – Bushwhacker Butch: And there it is, never too far apart. The other half of a tag team that everyone knew wasn’t ever going to do anything important. Again, just in the league for comic relief but also slightly more put together than his brother Luke. Only slightly. After all, the Kings did trade their pick to Atlanta. They need to trade Trae Young. Also, the HAWKS AND THE KINGS ARE BASICALLY THE SAME TEAM!!!

• Traded to San Antonio: Noa Essengue – You have to figure this pick is probably out the door too. My favorite idea is for the Spurs to trade #14 and enough things to get #3 from the Sixers and then trade #2 and #3 to Dallas for #1. Pipe dream I know, but how cool would that be?

15. Miami Heat: Shawn Michaels – I think I’m cute, I KNOW I’m sexy. The Showstopper knew how to win as the center of the universe and then reinvented himself in his later career after he got hurt and the superstar lights shined a little dimmer. There are few people who understand what they are there to do better than HBK. Same can be said for the Heat. They had the 4 consecutive Finals with LeBron James as the biggest heel in the business, then got back to the Finals twice more with Jimmy Butler. You’d think the comparison was for the Miami lifestyle, but the team plays hard and always rehabilitates the crazies. Shawn was losing his grip, basically retired, then came back and still put on a show. This was the easiest one.

• Traded to Oklahoma City: Carter Bryant – A 6’8″ guy who can do everything. Ho hum OKC pick.

16. Orlando Magic: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake – First of all, fantastic names. Second, what are they doing? The Barbershop had one of the greatest moments in wrestling heel turn history (that cowardly Marty Jannetty) and the Magic had Shaq for 4 years before he moved on to the brighter lights of LA and eventually Miami (singles competition). That’s it. Being a Magic fan is one of the more underrated forsaken fanbases in sports.

• Nolan Traore: The Magic need a consolidation trade of some kind. There are too many bodies on this team but too many that overlap. Let’s get them a traditional point guard.

17. Detroit Pistons: “IRS” Irvin R. Schyster – They have been an annoying and frustrating team throughout the entirety of the franchise. They were a-holes in the 80’s, some how screwed up having Grant Hill in the 90’s, and returned to ruining basketball in the 2000’s. They are a little fun now, but they have Tobias dunking on the Sixers so screw them. I know they have titles, but I couldn’t miss the chance to compare them to my worst enemy, Adam, who happens to be a Mike Rotunda doppelganger.

• Traded to Minnesota: Asa Newell – I feel like I’m making names up at this point. Detroit has been missing an offensive big man for…ummm…ever?

18. Memphis Grizzlies: Ravishing Rick Rude – CUT THE MUSIC. What I’d like to have right now is all the grit and grind, gun-toting, under achieving, Memphis Grizzlies, keep it down, while I take off my robe for the ladies and show them what a real mid-card talker with a great gimmick looks like. HIT THE MUSIC. Both Rude and the Grizzlies should be so much better but it just never happened. Entertaining as anything though and Rick Rude was the personal favorite of both my parents growing up for (I think) different reasons.

• Traded to Washington: Liam McNeely – He is the best player available at this point and that’s all Washington should be thinking about. Again though, based on the name this cannot be a real person.

19. Milwaukee Bucks: Hulk Hogan – Weird comparison I know, but the Bucks are dead right now. Not actually dead as I could have used more than a few actually dead wrestlers for that. More like just mostly dead, and that’s how I landed on Hogan (plus the titles decades apart thing). He has had a rather tumultuous last few years, brought on entirely by his own bad decisions and opinions. The Bucks have doubled down into a spot they have no way out of and Dame getting hurt just accelerated the end. Who would have thought “I am a real American” would have such a poignant double meaning.

• Traded to Brooklyn: Nique Clifford – How is it possible to know just about everything for close to 100 college football players yet only about 10 college basketball players? The fact that there are less players on teams should make it easier to know who they are, not harder!

20. Golden State Warriors: Brock Lesnar – There are the fun Warriors before Steph Curry and then the dominating killers afterwards. There’s nothing traditionally funny about Brock’s run in the WWE, he was just the perfect unstoppable monster that could either hold the title or be the biggest possible mountain for someone else to get over. He has since faded into the background, but still comes back and strikes fear in everyone when he wants to. That’s the Warriors to a tee.

• Traded to Miami: Will Riley – If there is a guy named Will Riley in the draft, how could Pat Riley pass him up??? Probably pretty easily and that’s why I’m writing articles about WWE/NBA mashups and not running an NBA team. That’s probably the only reason though. Oh damn, I forgot I don’t like wearing suits. Two reasons I’m not running an NBA team.

21. Minnesota Timberwolves: Razor Ramon – From KG to Kevin Love to Jimmy Butler to now Anthony Edwards, Minny is always employing “The Bad Guy.” It’s become their DNA. Jimmy was close, but no one has taken the moniker higher than Ant. He looks like the prototypical champion in the Michael Jordan mold (just like Razor), the guy who looks like he is capable of doing anything, then wants to remind you about it when he wins. The big problem is that like Scott Hall, he hasn’t won. Anyone who loves wrestling heels wants to see Ant as champion. You could even imagine him wearing the belt and flicking his toothpick at you. (BTW, Anthony Edwards being a real life heel is the single biggest reason no one nicknamed him Goose)

• Traded to Utah: Walter Clayton, Jr. – Senior point guards usually mean someone who knows what they are doing and doesn’t provide much upside, another perfect Utah pick! By the way, if you aren’t following retired Rocket Vernon Maxwell on social media for his Utah takes, you are missing out.

22. Los Angeles Lakers: Triple H – Whether you think they deserve it or not, both the Lakers and Triple H ALWAYS end up on top. Even when they had no business getting title shot, there it was. Shaq, Lebron, Pau Gasol, and now Luka always fall into their lap. Unbelievable protection from the Commissioner’s office. It’s all about The Game.

• Traded to Atlanta: Thomas Sorber – The big man out of Georgetown showed that he was a decent playmaker for his size, something Atlanta has pretty much never had.

23. Indiana Pacers: Eddie Guerrero – The ultimate loveable bad guy. There wasn’t anything Eddie couldn’t do in the ring and was entertaining as hell. Heel or face, it didn’t matter. People loved him. The Pacers are DEFINITELY in that category right now (I wrote this before Game 1 and had to change “probably” to “definitely”). People seem to want to hate Haliburton, but how can you at this point? Guererro came close a few times but finally won the WWE title. Hopefully the Pacers are next. VIVA LA PACER!!!

• Noah Penda: The international wing fits the Pacer style of playing fast and moving the ball. Keep them coming.

24. Los Angeles Clippers: Shane McMahon – Here comes the MONEY… For a lot of us, no one is better than Shane-O-Mac. He isn’t tainted with the McMahon sleaze and seemed like he wanted to prove to his dad and the other wrestlers that he belonged with every bump he ever took (and there were a lot). Sounds like the Clippers, right? The perpetual not good enough son in LA. They went from a glorified CBA team to a consistent winner who could never and will never get out of their arrogant father’s shadow no matter how many Blake Griffins, Chris Pauls, and Kawhi Leonards they sign. Neither ever won the title, even if they sure as hell deserved it.

• Traded to Oklahoma City: Ben Saraf – Pissed that Indiana stole their lunch with Penda, the Thunder now take the next best international wing who likes to pass but might be able to play a little defense too.

25. Denver Nuggets: Jeff Hardy – Forever it seemed like they were just fun team that would never actually win, like when they upset the Sonics and had Carmelo. Then for one year and what might be one year only they put it all together and won the title. Now, that window might be closed even if they have the most talented player in the world. EVERYONE loved Jeff Hardy, but he could never put it together long enough to stick around. When he did though, it was the best. He is even one of 9 wrestlers ever to win the grand slam. Only once though. You could never keep a belt on him.

• Traded to Orlando: Kam Jones – Orlando can’t have enough tweeners and Jones is now different as a 6’4″ PG.

26. New York Knickerbockers: Rowdy Roddy Piper – They were a real big deal a long time ago and NO ONE can get people more excited over doing absolutely nothing. The last two years we watched Knicks fans get way too excited over losing in the second round and then to the Pacers last week. It’s impossible to talk better junk without backing it up. The Knicks won their title 50+ years ago, before the NBA is what it is now; not unlike Piper only winning in his NWA days. The ultimate heel, Piper seemed much more interested in making movies than being the best wrestler. Sounds like Knicks fans. (As if it wasn’t obvious, I am not a Knicks fan and I never liked Piper)

• Traded to Brooklyn: Tyrese Proctor – Right now Brooklyn has a PF and a Wing, so let’s go with the best true PG left.

27. Houston Rockets: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin – Not because of the Texas Rattlesnake part, but because they tore up the league for two years after Jordan left and took the top spot a decade after Hakeem and Ralph Sampson were supposed to revolutionize basketball. Stone Cold missed his first hype window then came out as the best in the company after Hogan and everyone else jumped ship for WCW. Then, just when you thought he might have something, he was gone forever. Houston has stayed relevant with Yao and Dwight and Harden, but the days of competing are over. They clearly weren’t in the same tier this year despite their record.

• Traded to Brooklyn: Maxime Raynaud – Jesus Brooklyn has a lot of picks. Straight Center this time.

28. Boston Celtics: Kurt Angle – “How can you boo me? I’m an Olympic Gold Medalist” is the kind of thing a Celtics fan would question after they win the championship. It’s an unbelievable gag to not understand why everyone hates you despite being undeniably good for so long. It pains me to bestow the comparison of one of my favorites on to a team I hate more than any other. At least we can all disdainfully yell YOU SUCK at both.

• Johni Broome – Boston is going to get real small real quick with Kristaps probably on his way out and Al Horford hopefully decomposing on the court next year. Broome is just a do everything right kind of Boston Celtic that I will learn to hate.

29. Cleveland Cavaliers: The Road Dogg Jesse James and the Bad Ass Billy Gunn – OHHHHHHH you didn’t know? Your ass better call somebody!!! So, what I’m getting at is that they were fun, but it was really LeBron’s show who picked them up and then spit them out when he was done. Not intentionally, I’m talking about Triple H who happens to be the Lakers. Did you know they sold the 3rd most merchandise back in the day? There were a lot of Cleveland James jerseys being sold back then too. Who would have thought this tag team or the city of Cleveland were merch movers?

• Traded to Phoenix: Adou Thiero – What do you get the team that needs everything? Well, hopefully a guy who can do a little bit of everything.

30. Oklahoma City Thunder: John Cena – [wrote this before Game 1] This is probably premature, but after a very long build up it looks like the Thunder are ready to win the championship, not unlike Cena finally beating JBL. Both are either beloved or hated depending on the person, but you can’t deny that they are good at this. We’ll see if the Thunder have multiple titles coming down the line. After last night though, we might have to change them to Mr. Perfect if they never win the title.

• Traded to Los Angeles (C): Rasheer Fleming – I won’t pretend I know anything about him, but he is the highest ranked non-center left in the database I am using for this exercise. I wouldn’t end something I spent so much time on any other way!

1. Sports Illustrated did a Top 100 wrestlers list and had this to say about the Ultimate Warrior which cemented him as my Bulls pick: “No, he couldn’t really wrestle. Yes, he has like, exactly one match worth watching. Yes, he turned out to be a raging homophobe and alienated everyone in the industry. But still, the Ultimate Warrior is iconic, and pro wrestling is about icons. Sometimes all you need is a cool entrance and a couple insane promos.” ↩︎