The Philadelphia 76ers have come to a crossroads on their journey but are unfortunately without a map (the last map was injured and will be re-evaluated in 4-6 weeks) and just about out of gas. They have no idea which is the right way to go and none look particularly inviting. One thing is for sure, the way they came from was obliterated by a tank explosion and there is no going back (the Okaysee Kleanup Company (OKC) claimed the mess and will salvage the site).
There is a service station on the corner called Number Three. Upon going in to ask for directions and a full tank of gas, they are surprised to see that there is only a bald man with glasses inside who runs the place (but doesn’t own it) and seems to instantly hate them. His name tag says Adam.
Sixers: Full tank on pump 3 please, and can we ask…
Adam: You’re in luck, the gas is free.
Sixers: Free? That’s great …hey, what’s the catch?
Adam: I don’t know how much gas is in any of them, not pure gas anyway. See we had a big draft storm recently and the rain got in our tanks.
Sixers: …?
Adam: So, we got these 4 pumps outside, but I don’t know how long the gas is going to last in any of them. Heck, they might even completely ruin your vehicle. You could go to the ole Numero Dos in the next town of Spursboro. They came out way better than expected and had almost no damage in the storms but they are charging a premium for fuel. Don’t try the #1 further down, that guy is crazy.
Well, that is a pretty crummy option. Maybe get gas at the Number 3 but definitely get gas at the Numero Dos for too much money. “Is there anywhere else?” the Sixers ask.
Adam: Sure, the Nimewo Sèt is down the other way in Pelicanville. They were hit even harder by the storms but are giving out containers of gas that might last you a little while.
Sixers: Ok, so a little guarantee, but nothing long lasting?
Adam: I reckon not.
Sixers: Ok, we’ll figure out the gas problem later, but what about directions?
Adam: Where are you lookin’ to go? There’s Contention up that hill on the left or Rebuild down the other way on the right.
Sixers: Oh, oh, Contention. That’s where we were headed before but got really lost when our engine started sputtering.
Adam: That’s a dilly of a pickle you got there. See, you are going to need a good engine to take you up all the way to Contention. Did you get the engine fixed?
Sixers: We aren’t sure. One mechanic said it was busted for good, but another mechanic took our money and said she’ll be good to go in 6 weeks.
Adam: How long ago was that?
Sixers: About 10 weeks.
Adam: And?
Sixers: We still haven’t tried it out.
Adam: What are you waiting fer?
Sixers: Well, we need gas first.
Adam: A pickle indeed. You could try gassing up here and going down Rebuild instead. Again, no guarantees, but at least you could coast downhill for a little while.
Sixers: We really want to get to Contention though. What happens if we break down again on the way?
Adam: That’s not something you really want to do. If that engine breaks down again, it is probably done for good. Then you’ll have to sell something else to try and get a different engine. Have anything good to sell?
Sixers: We have this only slightly used PG-8 on board computer. It does EVERYTHING!
Adam: I think I heard about those. I hear they are never really good in a pinch, but are pretty versatile. How old is it? I remember someone selling one for a ton a few years back. Oh yeah, Okaysee got enough from that one to start their own business. Anything like that one? I hear they don’t age well.
Sixers: No, no they don’t.
Adam: I see you got a few pricey looking things in the back. Interested in selling any of those?
Sixers: NO! [The Sixers head towards the door visibly offended]
Adam: Hey, I didn’t mean to offend, I’m not looking to buy myself. Just telling you that if you go up to Contention without that engine working, you might have to sell one of them just to get back to Rebuild. That TM-0 looks like it might be able to get you what you need if you break down again.
The Sixers went back outside and saw their TM-0 robot smiling in the backcourt. Probably the best robot they’ve had in a long time. Always dependable, always smiling. They got him at a pretty rough time too. Getting rid of him would be too hard. But… Maybe it’s best not to think about that either right now.
They got back in the car and noticed Adam staring from the window of the gas station. “He looks like a fake scientist in a laundry detergent commercial, sternly shaking his head in disapproval at the competition’s stain fighting power” they thought.1 They didn’t know what to do. It would be easiest to probably get the real gas in Pelicanville if they wanted to make it to Contention, but the engine was their biggest concern. Selling the TM-0 was really not something they wanted to do. They had been to Rebuild before and even though there were some good memories of the place, that’s where they go their engine in the first place, they didn’t really want to go back. That place weighs on you for awhile. You can’t stay there forever, but it’s tough to leave. What to do…
So the Sixers know the way they want to go, but don’t know if they have what it takes to get there. If they try to make it up the hill to championship contention and fail, it could mean getting rid of their most prized possession, Tyrese Maxey. They can’t really trust their engine, Joel Embiid though, can they? Then there’s still a matter of the draft. Getting Dylan Harper in a trade with the Spurs sounds great, but it is going to cost a pretty penny. There’s just no guarantee Ace Bailey, Tre Johnson, VJ Edgecombe, or Kon Knueppel can get past their individual serious flaws. If they want to skip that foursome entirely, they could probably pick up some NBA quality help now from the Pelicans in a trade down. I can’t tell you what they should do. All I can advise is that if you do something, you do it all the way. No idea which way they are going to take though.
- The Dan Le Batard Show “looks like” segment was particularly good with Adam Silver. He looks like: a thumb, a matchstick, Captain Cavity, the farmer in American Gothic, Scott Van Pelt 15 seconds after opening the Arc of the Covenant, a bowling pin, an alien from Men in Black in human skin ↩︎
Philly Front Office 
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