EDITORS NOTE: If you are sensitive to the word “Canada” or any of its derivatives, I warn you not to go on reading. The Canada word count is a seizure inducing 40.
It’s too bad the Sixers aren’t playing the Raptors this week because the World Series is in Toronto and the Flyers have the Maple Leafs, Flames, and Canadians lined up. I have to assume the Eagles are spending the bye week in Thunder Bay to get ready for the Packers this week. All Canada, all the time.
Have you ever noticed how almost all the Canadian hockey teams are trying to prove just how Canadian they are? One is basically declaring that it represents all Canada by arrogantly declaring that if you are Montrealian, you ARE Canadian. That’s very aggressive. Is it enough to be declared the most Canadian of all Canadian teams?
#7 – Montreal Canadians
NO! By declaring yourself the arbiter of all things Canada, you are not being very Canadian at all. Hell, that’s what I’m doing right now, and I couldn’t be farther away from Canada. The name is very blunt and in your face. Come to think of it, this is something a French Canadian would do to express that all the English-speaking Canadians aren’t truly Canadian at all. GASP! Truly diabolical stuff coming out of Quebec.
#6 – Edmonton Oilers
With all due respect to the Canadians, Oilers isn’t exactly a Canadian name at all. They are simply named after Edmonton being the oil capital of Canada. why are they 6th instead of 7th then? Because they were apparently briefly named the Oil Kings and were founded by a guy named Wild Bill Hunter. That’s one of the coolest names I’ve ever heard. While the Canadians finish with a negative score, Edmonton gets a DNF. Normally that’s still good for last, but this is my scoring system.
#5 – Ottawa Senators
What were they thinking? I know “Senators” is a legacy name, but since they were reformed in the 90s and Canada is a wrestling hotbed, were they going for some kind of heel move? Kind of like Irwin R. Schyster “IRS” getting the crowd pissed by accusing them of being tax cheats, are the Senators trying to do something similar? Like keep booing and we’ll investigate you or misuse your tax dollars! Wait, do Canadians hate their government like in the US? That doesn’t seem right at all. Are they really just going with Ottawa is the Capital so we are the Senators? Ugh, that should be worse than Montreal Canadians but think of this like a ZERO rather than negative points or DNF.
BONUS – Quebec Nordiques
The Quebec Nordiques moved to Colorado in 1995, leaving behind one of the better names in sports. Nordiques translates to Northmen in French, could anything be anymore Canadian? Not only did the name represent Quebec City itself for being the northern most sports city, but Canada as a whole. While Montreal bombastically claimed all of Canada, the Nordiques did so much more symbolically. We are the north! Come to think of it, hey Raptors…thinking about a rebrand? There’s a good name open.
#4 – Winnipeg Jets
How in the world is “Jets” patriotic? How come when they left Atlanta, the airplane capital of the world, that’s when they took up the name Jets?1 Calm down. Do you know where the head of the Royal Canadian Air Force is located? Yup, in Winnipeg. That’s much more creative than the New York Jets, who are simply named after the terrible flying conditions of the two local airports. The equivalent for Winnipeg would be the Winnipeg Frost Bite or Winnipeg Low Visibility Due to Snow.
#3 – Vancouver Canucks
A canuck is an affectionate slang term for a Canadian. If you ask me, this team is a deliberate dig at Montreal and their hubris. Could anything be more passive aggressively Canadian than naming your team for all Canadians but in a nice, buddy kind of way? Polite shots fired Montreal.
#2 – Toronto Maple Leafs
Toronto ranks second as a full apology from me to Canada. For years I have been the smug English major who has turned up his nose at the improper plural that is the word “leafs.” Even as the red squiggly underline mocks my spelling, I ignore it for I now know the truth. The Maple Leafs are not just a tribute to the symbol of Canada as seen on the Canadian flag, but harken back to World War I where the maple leaf was seen as a symbol of courage. Each player on the team is that symbol of Canada, that symbol of courage as a proper-named Maple Leaf. Therefore, collectively, they are the Maple Leafs. So, suck it spell-check, I’m right!
#1 – Calgary Flames
I know what you’re thinking, this is just a generic name that was imported from Atlanta the first time hockey failed there and deserves to be last on the list. Prepare for an education on why Calgary Flames is one of, if not THE, best name in sports.
The city of Calgary was christened on November 7, 18842. Exactly 2 years later on November 7, 1886 a great fire burned down 18 buildings in the fledgling city.3 Shockingly, there was no loss of life in the blaze. Instead of ignoring the devastation as “just one of those things,” the city decided to do something to prevent this from happening in the future when maybe they wouldn’t be so lucky. It was made law that new construction had to be from sandstone, which was plentiful in the area, to prevent future fire. There hasn’t been a major fire in Calgary since. So, while other places like Carolina, Miami, and Chicago celebrate their local devastation and death, the city of Calgary does something novel. They have a team name that is not only part of their history, but represents something that cannot hurt the locals, just everyone else. The passive recognition of exceptionalism is as raw and distilled Canadian as it gets. Calgary is your champion!
Now Flyers, beat their well-mannered asses.
All research credit to Wikipedia because while a lot of guys like to put in effort, I’m not one of them.
- I know the previous franchise was named Jets, I just find it ironic. ↩︎
- Happy Birthday Calgary! ↩︎
- Sorry for your loss Calgary. ↩︎
Flyers
All things Flyers!
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Pat Falloon, the first ever draft pick for the Sharks, had a nothing career that intersected with the Flyers way too much.
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Thanksgiving means an obligatory “what are you thankful for” article. I tried to keep this as Philly sports focused as possible. Our teams are relevant, competitive, competent, and likeable.
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You obviously need to know that 8 hockey teams are located right off 95. That’s 25% of the NHL!
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Which Canadian hockey team is the most Canadian of all?
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In the Summer of 2012, the Predators and Flyers were on a collision course. Nobody won.
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Going through expansion in the NHL and how we went from all northern teams to southern domination despite no one in Atlanta liking hockey and Seattle waiting 100 years for a 2nd chance.
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The Flyers are in a good place, but they need more blue-chip talent. Where and how do we get it?
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The Flyers open their season on the road against the Panthers and Hurricanes. Are these hockey towns even a little bit?
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Just enjoy hockey this year. The team has talent but isn’t fooling itself into contention. If we stumble, that means a higher draft pick and that’s fine too.
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Taking a look at the summer of sports in Philadelphia and see what is next for the fall.
Philly Front Office 
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