Philly Front Office

I’ve done 80’s action movies, professional wrestlers, and characters from the Fast and the Furious already, so now, with the sun getting real low on my expertise, it’s time to tap into one of my few remaining fountains of knowledge…the Marvel Cinematic Universe. What MCU movie is each NBA team? Be prepared to fill your Infinity Gauntlet with knowledge.¹ To answer your future question of whether there will be any actual prospect analysis in this, obviously not!

Spoiler Alert: There will be spoils

LeBron James and The Decision 2…and 3…and 4

1. Washington Wizards: Darryn Peterson
   • Spiderman: Homecoming – They brought in Anthony Davis and they brought in Trea Young, but if the Wizards don’t get the right guy in this draft, they will be absolutely nothing without their suit. Obviously neither would be confused with Iron Man with their injury histories, but both Young and Davis are really there to help whoever the #1 pick will be plus the rest of the young’ns they have on the team like Alex Sarr and Bub Carrington. The Wizards need Peterson to be the future leader, their Peter Parker.
2. Utah Jazz: AJ Dybantsa
   • Thor: The Dark World – A franchise that will (probably) look better in the future but right now is still pretty boring. Lauri Markannen as Thor, Ace Bailey as Loki (the guy who wants to be a star), and Jaren Jackson Jr. there doing nothing like Heimdall. Just going through the motions right now in hopes that things will eventually work out. I promise this is not some huge reach to compare the team with the Finnish star to a Nordic myth.
3. Memphis Grizzlies: Cameron Boozer
   • Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 – Maybe I am in the minority of people who didn’t like this movie, but it is the weakest link in the franchise and lost the signature fun that made the series. To say the 2026 Grizzlies lost their fun is an understatement. They traded away Desmond Bane and JJJ with Ja Morant likely to follow them on the way out. While the characters and players were fantastic when they were together, it is a good thing everyone is going their separate ways now. Comparing Ja Morant to gun-crazed Rocket Racoon is very fun though.
4. Chicago Bulls: Caleb Wilson
   • Captain America: Brave New World – Its Cap without Cap and the Hulk without the Hulk. The movie itself was fine, but ultimately not good enough to be a theatrical release instead of the second season of the TV series. That’s the no stars Bulls in a nutshell. Josh Giddey as a Superhero? Come on now.
5. LA Clippers (via Indiana Pacers): Keaton Wagler
   • Thor: Ragnarok – Once they got rid of their biggest problem, everything just went right. The Thor universe went from being bleak and depressing in the Dark World to being nonstop fun in Ragnarok. The Thor character looked pointless until he became maybe the best character in the whole damn series. As soon as the Clippers got rid of James Harden and decided to sell at the deadline, their entire outlook got better. Now they have a rejuvenated Kawhi Leonard, Darius Garland, the #5 pick, and some kind of future that the original Harden trade from the Sixers looked to have destroyed.
6. Brooklyn Nets: Darius Acuff
   • Eternals – So much setup for zero payoff.²
7. Sacramento Kings: Nate Ament
   • Ant-Man and the Wasp – I consider myself an MCU-ophile and yet I needed to look up just what in the hell this movie was about. I remember it being kind of fun, Laurence Fishburne and Walton Goggins were present, but other than a post credits lead in to Endgame, nothing. What were these characters even doing, just running around shrinking and gianting? The Kings made the playoffs last year as a surprise (not unlike the original Ant-Man being a surprise hit), but I don’t remember a single thing about them this year. I’m sure their ability to make bad trades means they will have a part to play at some point, but the franchise as a whole is dead.
8. Atlanta Hawks (via New Orleans Pelicans): Kingston Flemings
   • Captain Marvel – Will the Hawks become the most powerful team in the league by getting rid of Trea Young? Probably not. He was the artificial ceiling for the team though and now that he is gone, the Hawks have a much better chance of winning. If the Hawks regress next year, it is an easy pivot to The Marvels.
9. Dallas Mavericks: Mikel Brown Jr.
   • Captain America: First Avenger – Too on the nose? Probably. Cooper Flagg comes from obscurity in Maine to become the hopeful future face of the Mavericks after they got rid of Luka Doncic. Does that make Luka into Red Skull? Yes. Like both the character and the player, there is a lot of potential here, but we have no idea how good he is going to be, but there are flashes.
10. Milwaukee Bucks: Karim Lopez
    • The Incredible Hulk – Not so much the movie, but the story behind the movie. Ed Norton wanted to be the Hulk so bad but couldn’t stop himself from demanding changes to the point that Marvel couldn’t take it anymore and fired him. While it ended up being great for the character, the movie franchise was essentially killed. The Bucks have been in a downturn for years now after their relationship with Giannis had looked so good for so long. Their breakup is inevitable and will probably happen this summer. Is it also easy to compare the green wearing Greek Freak to the Incredible Hulk? Of course.
11. Golden State Warriors: Yaxel Lendeborg
    • Black Panther – This is a stretch as far as movie comparisons go, but no one is more Erik Killmonger than Jimmy Butler and no one is more T’Challa than Steph Curry. Because Butler got hurt, we didn’t get to see the conflict that always happens with Jimmy wherever he goes, but no matter how charismatic he is, no one is dethroning Steph in Golden State.
12. OKC Thunder (via LA Clippers): Hannes Steinbach
    • Avengers: Infinity War – Obviously! The Thunder put all the stones together and became inevitable. The only chance they have at losing is a 1 in 14 million scenario that is Victor Wembanyama.
13. Miami Heat: Labaron Philon Jr.
    • Dr. Strange and the Multiverse of Madness – This movie did fine. The problem was that it should have been much better than it was. We were teased with possible cameos from all over the Marvel world (and even Tom Cruise as alternate Iron Man) but ended up without anyone you’d consider shocking; the best rumors were just rumors. Meanwhile, the Heat have been linked to every star possible over the last few years and yet no one has ended up in Miami. They will always be good, but without that star edition, they will not be great.
14. Charlotte Hornets: Chris Cenac Jr.
    • Thor: Love and Thunder – Very fun to watch but not good in the least. Does that make for a good use of 2+ hours? Sure it does! It is not in the same class as those around it though. You are going to remember certain scenes or highlights in the future and wonder why it wasn’t better, then you’ll watch it again and remember that the person running the show (Taika Waititi and LaMelo Ball) completely lost the plot (making a good movie/winning the game).
15. Chicago Bulls (from Portland): Bennett Stirtz
    • See #4 for Chicago; Portland below
16. Memphis Grizzlies (from Phoenix via Orlando): Brayden Burries
    • See #3 for Memphis; Phoenix below
17. Oklahoma City Thunder (from Philadelphia): Koa Peat
    • See #12 for Oklahoma City; Philadelphia below
18. Charlotte Hornets (from Orlando via Phoenix): Isaiah Evans
    • See #14 for Charlotte; Orlando below
19. Toronto Raptors: Christian Anderson
    • Avengers: Age of Ultron – Toronto believed that if it assembled a bunch of names together without any thought to chemistry or plan, everything would simply work out fine. Nope. Instead, you got an expensive mess with no real defining or memorable qualities. That’s Avengers 2 in a nutshell; a letdown that came and went and was overshadowed by everything else. What makes the comparison though was the last surge at the end of the year to inexplicably get Toronto to the 5 seed. That’s like when Mjolnir budges just a tiny bit when Steve Rogers tries to pick it up and Thor gets a little scared. Best part of the movie by far.
20. San Antonio (from Atlanta): Jayden Quaintance
    • Iron Man – Imagine Greg Popovich in a cave building the ultimate weapon to play basketball and coming out with Victor Wembanyama ready to remake the NBA and hopefully destroy the greatest threat the league has ever seen…the Thanos Thunder.
21. Detroit (from Minnesota): Cameron Carr
    • Captain America: Winter Soldier – This movie and this team were not supposed to be this good. The Captain America property was coming off of the fine but shlocky First Avenger but obviously had the big character attached. Then the movie was just relentless from start to finish and put both the Russo brothers and Captain America at the forefront of the MCU. The Pistons had Cade, but we didn’t know he was this good to start the year. Then he was an MVP candidate. Sure, they fell short, but Detroit basketball is now firmly on the map after this, just like Captain America. Now he needs to build the ensemble like the franchise did in Cap 3.
22. Philadelphia 76ers (from Houston via Oklahoma City): Dailyn Swain
    • The Fantastic Four: First Steps – The Sixers constantly give its fans nothing but hope only to be let down. What movie franchise does that sound like? Fantastic Four! This was the many-th time the various powers that be have put the First Family on the big screen and while this version was easily better than all the rest, was it really that good? I don’t know. I wasn’t let down, but I wasn’t impressed either. The Sixers finally beat their worst enemy Celtics, only to get their doors kicked in by the Knicks, our other worst enemy. Is that supposed to make us feel good? Well, is an adequate Fantastic Four supposed to make comic fans feel good? We’ll have to see what the team does in the offseason and have to hope Doomsday makes First Steps seem a lot better in retrospect. Also, the Sixers fielded a basketball team with only 4 good players.
23. Atlanta Hawks (from Cleveland): Tounde Yessoufou
    • See #8 for Atlanta; Cleveland below
24. New York Knicks: Amari Allen
    • Guardians of the Galaxy – Neither should have worked because there are just too many flaws. Brunson and KAT can’t play defense, OG and Bridges were way too expensive as role players, and Josh Hart is a liability on offense. All together though, it just works. The premise of Guardians was equally silly, but James Gunn knew how to put everything together. Then it became one of the MCUs top properties. What a bunch of a-holes.
25. Los Angeles Lakers: Aday Mara
    • Deadpool and Wolverine – The Deadpool character is great, but Deadpool 2 wasn’t very good. This has been the problem with the Lakers for years. Out of nowhere they bring in Luka Doncic and the team played way better than anyone thought they would (he got hurt in the end but still). Deadpool and Wolverine was fantastically funny and worked way better than it had any business working. The franchise is now reinvigorated and they (switching roles real quick) can let the old man Wolverine/Lebron go and not miss a beat.
26. Denver Nuggets: Allen Graves
    • The Avengers – Stay with me on this one. I’m not saying they are some incredible assemblage of talent with Jokic, Murray, and Gordon. I’m also not saying that they had to rally together to overcome some unbeatable dynasty or anything. Just the opposite really. They beat a far inferior Heat team in the Finals. That Heat team is Loki compared to the Thanos Thunder right now. That original team would have no chance against Thanos just like the Nuggets were bounced in the first round this season. They have been passed by despite Jokic being an incredible individual talent. The original Avengers would get smoked.
27. Boston Celtics: Henri Veesaar
    • Spiderman: Far From Home – Smoke and mirrors were used to make the big bad Mysterio seem more formidable than he really was. The Celtics had essentially 10 guys doing the same job and it took Joel Embiid of all people to expose that they really weren’t that tough. Boston has been a complete team for the last few years, but they got away from that this year in what was essentially a punt for injury and money reasons. It didn’t work. Spidey 2 was basically just an epilogue of the Infinity Saga like the last two Celtics seasons have been since their championship.
28. Minnesota Timberwolves (from Detroit): Ebuka Okorie
    • Black Widow – The movie is about a great character who we already know has no chance. Combine that with a supporting cast of fuckups and you have something a lot like Anthony Edwards, maybe the best and most complete player in the NBA, on a team with Julius Randle and Rudy Gobert. Yeah, the movie was surprisingly good and Yelena and Red Guardian are fine characters, but it is a total waste of Black Widow who the MCU should have built around much better than they did.
29. Cleveland Cavaliers (from San Antonio via Atlanta): Ryan Conwell
    • Iron Man 3 – Regardless of what the rest of the Cavs did this season or what happened in Iron Man 3, all anyone will remember is the plot twist at the end where both the Mandarin and James Harden were revealed as frauds. They are both probably better than people will remember, but when you make a move for Harden or the faux Mandarin, that is your identity. The even bigger move at the end of the movie is Iron Man retiring…which is then completely forgotten about by the time they need RDJ again. You have to wonder if Cleveland is going to do the same thing with Harden, try to just completely forget that they ever brought him in.
30. Dallas Mavericks (from Oklahoma City via WAS and PHI): Morez Johnson Jr.
    • See #9 for Dallas

NBA Expansion is Coming

TEAMS WITH NO FIRSTS

• Houston Rockets
  • Spiderman: No Way Home – Because everyone knew Peter Parker was Spiderman, he had to go messing around with magic to change the natural order of things, not unlike the Rockets thinking they pulled off some great heist to bring Kevin Durant to the team. It didn’t work out for anyone. Sure, the team and the movie still did very well, but it ended up being more of a gimmick than anything. The movie ended with everyone magically forgetting about Spiderman, much like the Rockets wish they could do with KD.
• Orlando Magic
  • Iron Man 2 – Ok, we have something going here with this Iron Man thing. Let’s juice the cast (nice), pump up the budget (love it), throw in too many plot points (wait, what?), make a totally generic script (excuse me?), and end it all in a bizarre explosion fest that doesn’t actually involve any of the bad guys! Since the Magic are entrenched in that Disney life in Orlando, maybe all of that seeped into their subconscious when they traded for Desmond Bane, signed Paulo Banchero to an extension, had too many role players, a bad coach, and by the end were just a nondescript mess.
• Phoenix Suns
  • Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings – This movie had no business being this good and yet it has been completely forgotten about by the public and the powers that be in the MCU. While Shang Chi will return in Avengers: Doomsday, the franchise itself might be dead. If that’s not Devin Booker and the Suns, I don’t know what is. They were better than you realize this season, but with all of their lost draft assets, they have no real avenue to getting better.
• New Orleans Pelicans
  • Captain America: Civil War – I understand it’s not fair to analogize a great movie to such a bad team but the young and old mashup going on here will not be able to continue working together. Not that Zion, Dejounte Murray, Herb Jones, and Trey Murphy are too old, but they have different career goals at this point than Jeremiah Fears and Derik Queen. Getting them to buy into taking a backseat as lottery picks isn’t unlike Tony Stark trying to get Steve Rogers to agree to essentially be a weapon for the US government.
• Indiana Pacers
  • Antman and the Wasp: Quantumania – Antman 3 is maybe the single worst movie I’ve ever seen. They took everything that was good and fun from the first two movies and got rid of it, replacing it with a CGI shitshow that was neither impressive nor funny. Why did they do this instead of giving us another grounded good time? No idea. Why did the Pacers play fast and loose with their lottery pick knowing that there was a possibility it might backfire and go to the Clippers in the Ivica Zubac trade? No idea what they were thinking. The worst-case scenario happened for both the Pacers and the Antman franchise. What’s left? Paul Rudd and Tyrese Haliburton, that’s it.
• Portland Trail Blazers
  • Dr. Strange – Shrugs. Nothing special. Just another origin story/rebuild. Wait a second, the Blazers were actually kind of good this season and they have plenty of assets from the Dame trade to make some moves. Turns out the visuals from Dr. Strange actually hold up and the basics from this movie end up playing a big role in the future MCU storyline. Looking back, there is a lot more to like in both the movie and the team than you realize even if they aren’t the strongest entrants compared to their peers.

1. My friend Chad is literally the only person I know besides me who would enjoy this…but that was true for the other themed mocks too ↩︎
2. I want to write more than that, but it explains both so much. Eternals was supposed to set up so many storylines but instead we are never going to see any of those people again. The Nets had all these draft picks and tanked so hard only to have nothing to show for it. Best comparison on the list. ↩︎