Philly Front Office

Last night’s stupid walk off loss to domestic violencer and serial drunk driver Marcell Ozuna got me thinking about what players we hate most. Not the ones that are the worst people (although Ozuna certainly qualifies), but the ones that irritate us Phillies fans to no end. There are plenty. Because I’m already mad and want to drag others down with me, let’s together remember all those ball players (Phillies included) whose very existence makes our blood boil. Let’s go around the diamond…

NOTE: If I left anyone out, let me know about it in the comments

Catcher – Yadier Molina and Brian McCann

Because it would be unfair not to include both. Both routinely killed the Phillies and had very stupid punchable faces. Molina’s .859 career OPS is easily his tops against any NL team, plus he was on that damn 2011 team that is one of the most hated of all time. One of McCann’s nicknames is actually “fun police” and anyone whoever watched him knows why. He was an a-hole’s a-hole. The kind of person who got off in being a tough guy when the situation absolutely didn’t call for it. He hit more career homers against the Phillies than any other team.

1st Base – Pete Alonso – Mets

He’s not actually a terrible guy, but he is such a goddamn cornball. He desperately wants you to know that he is a good boy who is trying very hard. I can’t imagine how annoying he was to his parents as a 5 year old. I knew the second he hit that homer last year against the Brewers that we were screwed too.

2nd Base – Dan Uggla – Marlins/Braves

His tiny head and no neck always seem to pop up with the game on the line against the Marlins. Maybe I hated him because people tried to claim he was better than Utley because he didn’t actually do very well comparatively against the Phillies. Maybe it all comes down to one moment where he walked off the Phillies with a grand slam.

3rd Base – David Bell – Phillies

You are all aware of the intentional walk correct? Well, I used to call Bell the intentional strike out. When ever the other team needed an out and Bell was up, they called for the intentional strikeout and he obliged. Him being the last person to hit for the cycle as a Phillie before JT always bothered me. I was very aware of the stat because I hated him.

Shortstop – Ruben Tejada – Mets

He and his brittle bones are the example Mets fans always bring up for hating Chase Utley. That’s true, but I’m kidding. The real answer is Jose Reyes. He hit well against the Phillies, but the power was the thing. He hit more doubles and homers against the Phillies than any other team. Especially the HRs. He only hit 145 in his career, but 21 were against us. Who am I kidding, it’s his smile. Nothing is worse than someone killing you and enjoying themselves.

No, no, no… It’s ORLANDO ARCIA! No one climbed themselves deeper into the Philly mental hole than Arcia the last few years. He allowed himself to be taunted by the crowd, had some hits of his own, but most importantly baited Bryce Harper into going Super Saiyan in the 2023 playoffs. Him trying to go toe to toe emotionally with Harper is like Dillon Brooks thinking he’s in Lebron’s head or Brian O’Connor thinking he almost had Dom Toretto. You almost had me??? You never had me, you never had your car.

Left Field – Brandon Nimmo – Mets

Currently #1 on the list. He always gets key walks against the Phillies and then he sprints to first base. I know it’s designed to annoy me like a wrestling heel, but I can’t help it. It drives me insane. I don’t think I can ever remember an easy out against him.

Center Field – Cody Ross – Marlins/Giants

In terms of pound for pound hate, he’s the Parnell Whitaker of these rankings. Ross wasn’t good unless he was playing the Phillies. He always got the big hit and had that stupid volleyball head. It was with the Giants that he cemented his title though, hitting 2 dingers off Roy Halladay in one game in the 2010 NLCS. The announcers loved it. I’m looking at you Joe Buck.

Honorable Mention: Juan Pierre. I was at a 13-inning game back in the day and someone was on first with Pierre at the plate. He hit into a fielder’s choice and the lead runner was out. I remember yelling at the time that they should have still thrown Pierre out because he was much faster than the lead runner and would just steal second anyway. He did. I forget if he stole third and then scored the game winner or just legged out a shallow hit, but I was right. We would not have lost if it had been any other runner.

Right Field – JD Drew – Cardinals

I don’t need to go too into it. He famously was drafted by the Phillies but refused to sign. He then went to the Cardinals because of course he did. This list should be named after him.

Designated Hitter – Marcell Ozuna – Braves

He is not a good person and everyone just ignores that. Braves fans either have to do a lot of mental gymnastics with him or none at all. He also seems to get a hold of the ball every time he’s up against us and he’s just another Brave signed to a below market deal but with none of the redeeming qualities of Acuna or Albies.

Utility Infielder – Miguel Rojas – Marlins

This no talent a-hole of a teammate is dreadful against everyone except the Phillies. He is the poster boy of all that used to go wrong for the Phillies when trying to make the playoffs from 2018-2021. Every time we needed to get out of an inning, he came up with a big hit. His .293 avg and .754 OPS against the Phillies are both way above his career averages. I was incredibly happy to hear how much young Marlins players hated him for his constant hazing, leading most of them to either be happy to be traded or to rejoice when he was finally kicked out.

Starting Pitcher 1 – Freddy Garcia – Phillies

Is it his fault we traded for him while he was hurt? Kind of. He looked incredibly out of shape as a Phillie and didn’t seem to have any interest in fixing that. We also lost Gavin Floyd and Gio Gonzalez in trading for him. I know Hideki Irabu is known as the Fat Toad, but that’s what my brain calls Garcia whenever I think about him.

Starting Pitcher 2 – Hiroki Kuroda – Dodgers

In Game 3 of the 2008 NLCS, Kuroda threw at Shane Victorino’s head. Victorino was pissed and shot back “you want to hit me, hit me in the body, not in the head” or something like that. Manny Ramirez started yelling at the Phillies for it for some reason. The Dodgers ended up killing us in that game and briefly took some momentum in the series. There’s a reason Jonathan Broxton doesn’t show up on this list.

Starting Pitcher 3 – Jonathan Sanchez – Giants

He started a fight with Chase Utley after hitting him in the NLCS in 2010. This resulted in a brawl on the field. We lost the series. I still hate Jonathan Sanchez.

Starting Pitcher 4 – John Lannan – Nationals

Notice a theme here? Utley’s best season was 2007. His counting stats were a little low that year because he missed 20 games thanks to Lannen hitting him with a pitch and breaking his hand. Utley had been 2-2 against him that day. He hit the next batter, Ryan Howard, too and was ejected. It was his major league debut and we hated him ever since. Despite missing 20 games, Utley still had a 7.3 WAR and a .332 batting average. Jimmy Rollins won MVP that year, but it might have been Utley had he not been hurt.

Starting Pitcher 5 – Jon Lieber – Phillies

His stats aren’t as bad as I remember, but I never had faith in him. We wanted him to be a top flight starter, but that late in his career it was asking too much. What I remember though was an afternoon game and my friend asked me how we were doing. I said “Lieber was just pulled after giving up a barrage of extra base hits.”

Relief Pitcher 1 – Jonathan Papelbon – Phillies

I hated Papelbon before he was a Phillie and things never got better from there. He is the first and only Philly guy I remember not rooting for at any point. He’s an a-hole and proved it every chance he got.

Relief Pitcher 2 – Billy Wagner – Phillies/Mets/Braves

It didn’t start this way. I remember going to games and going nuts every time his fastball reached triple digits. It wasn’t even close to normal back then. I don’t remember if it happened before he left or after he joined the Mets, but it came out that Wagner didn’t like the fans, publicly trashed them, and was famously called a “rat” by his teammates. If Pat the Bat hates you, we hate you.

Relief Pitcher 3 – Craig Kimbrel – Braves/Phillies

He gets semi-unfairly trashed for getting fed to the wolves against Arizona in the NLCS. He was cooked and everyone knew it but Rob Thompson. That’s not really on him, but it’s still on him. I hate him because of his time with the Braves. That stupid arm move was unbelievably annoying for a very long time.

Relief Pitcher 4 – Brian Wilson – Giants

I don’t have any person problem with him, but he was on the 2010 NLCS team that beat the Phillies. He was clearly juicing and died his beard black. I probably wouldn’t have a problem with him had he been on any other team except that specific one.

Announcer – Joe Buck

I don’t understand why it was so hard for Kylie Kelce to articulate our collective disdain for Joe Buck. It’s two things. First, he comes off as a cocky, elitest nepo-baby because, well… he is. It all makes him seem like the country club kid in a teen movie who was only given the high school football announcer job because of his dad despite our other side of the tracks hero, who has dreamt of being a high school football announcer his whole life, being more qualified.¹ He did himself no favors with his ridiculous over-reaction to Randy Moss mock mooning Packers fans. He has cultivated that personality. Second, those 2007-11 Phillies teams had some unbelievable moments. Big wins, big hits, and a ton of walk offs. Buck undersold every single one of them. For someone who would get overly excited for routine flys that he thought were going over the wall, he sure knew how to kill the real exciting plays. Buck wishes he had a “Rollins has won it!” moment.

1. Our hero, Jonathan Michael Doe, went through life anonymously until he found his calling and had to be heard. Normally very shy, when John gets behind a microphone he becomes Mic, and no one can match his presence in the booth. Joe Buck’s father is a radio announcer for the local pro football team and got his son the high school job through his powerful friends. Joe Buck Sr gets called up to a national TV job leaving a void on the radio program, so the radio station runs a contest to see if any locals have what it takes to fill in the big job. The announcement is made on the PA at school and Joe Buck Jr tells everyone he is a shoe in. John goes up to Buck and his GF, Jane, and says that he’s going to win that contest. Buck, with his arm around Jane, lowers his sunglasses, and says “you? you think you can beat me ‘no doe’?” John stares back fiercely and says “I’ll see you at the contest.” Buck and Jane turn to leave, but she briefly turns back and stares intriguingly at John (they are obviously in love now). At dinner at home, John tells his parents about the contest and John Sr becomes instantly fed up, slams down his silverware, and yells “When are you going to give up these foolish announcer dreams!” John gets up and yells, “Just because you never became a famous announcer, doesn’t mean I can’t Dad!!!” There had been an announcer contest 20 years ago and John’s father never showed up. John always thought his father was a coward. Little did he know that Joe Buck Sr. got into a fight with his GF on the way to that contest and left her on the side of the road in the rain. John’s dad saw her there and picked her up. They’ve been in love ever since. John Sr. never made that contest, but he was a winner the rest of his life. After John leaves the table, his mom asks her husband why he’s so hard on the boy. “That kid has more announcer talent than anyone I’ve ever seen. But he’s reckless.” His wife, “So were you at that age. Go talk to him.” John Sr. goes to John Jrs room and they have a talk they should have had years ago. Sr. tells Jr. why he never made it to that contest. John’s never been more proud to be his father’s son. The day of the contest, Buck gets into an argument with his girlfriend and leaves her home. She finds John and tells him that Joe and his cronies are planning on ambushing him and “never letting him get in front of that microphone.” They come up with a plan. She arrives at the contest and tells Joe she was wrong, he’s mean to her but ends up revealing his whole evil plan. John makes it but is held up by the cronies. Just before John is counted out, she plays the secret recording she had made and Joe Buck is disqualified. John finally takes the stage and kills. We flash forward 5 years later to John announcing for the pro team with his wife Jane Doe by his side. Joe Buck Sr. had been fired shortly after he bombed his TV gig. In the 80s film version of this, Joe Buck is played by James Spader, John Doe is Christian Slater, Kevin Pollack is John Doe Sr., and Jane is obviously Elizabeth Shue. ↩︎