Philly Front Office

[EDITOR’S NOTE: This list is from before Jerry Jones lost his petty power struggle with Micah Parsons and sent him **giggles** …Packing.]

Power rankings? You want power rankings? Do you mean someone giving their subjective and biased opinion of who they consider the best teams based entirely on their own inconsistent rationale? How gauche. Now power tiers, that’s an idea. While others rather specifically give numbers 1-32, I will paint in broad strokes using my own subjective and biased reasoning based on inconsistent rationale. That’s completely different. Do you think, for no reason other than my own ego and engagement, I would add to an already overcrowded and useless market? Well, yeah, of course I would. Remember though, because mine uses tiers and not rankings, it means this list is sophisticated. Smart. Classy. A cut above those other Philistine rags.

Sucks Ass Division (very sophisticated)

• Saints – The Saints may regularly over-extend themselves, but they aren’t a truly dumb organization like the Giants and Browns. They seem to know exactly what they are supposed to be this season, bad. I’m sure Kellen Moore was made very aware of that fact when he took the job. It is #1 pick or bust this year in New Orleans. Saints fans, you are rooting for losses this season. Embrace it.
• Browns – For all the attention the Browns received this summer, you would think they were a good team. They aren’t. Other than Myles Garrett, there is no talent on this roster. They are going to make him regret signing that big deal (not that he didn’t know what he was doing). Unlike the Saints, this is a dumb organization. If they get the #1 pick, expect the top QBs to stay in college.
• Titans – I like Cam Ward, but he was just the first step in a very long road to rebuilding this mess of a team. There have been a lot of missteps over the years in Tennessee and they don’t all get fixed by taking a QB #1. Now getting the #1 pick again and trading it while having Ward, that’s completely different.

Pretty Bad, But No #1 Pick

• Giants – I did a full preview on them yesterday, but the gist is that they doubled down on bad management and bad coaching only to find themselves in the no man’s land of trying to not be terrible while having a mediocre plan for the future. It is 4 more years of misery in North Jersey.
• Colts – Man that Anthony Richardson pick hasn’t aged well. He is one of the most athletic physical specimens you have ever seen, but he is regularly hurt and simply has not played enough football in his life. That isn’t going to change either. So now add Daniel Jones to a bad roster and I am already thinking of moving them down to the Sucks Ass Division.
• Jets – There is talent on this team, but not at QB. I’m sorry, but poor man’s Kyler Murray, Justin Fields, is not going to catapult this team into contention. In their defense, what were they supposed to do? It’s not like they could have run back Sam Darnold or Geno Smith, and Aaron Rodgers certainly wasn’t the answer. Kirk Cousins? Man, the pickins are slim. They need to find a signal caller but I have no idea how they do that. They are so stuck.
• Bears – There was a vocal minority in the draft last year that focused on how poorly Caleb Williams reacted to adversity. They were ignored in favor of his incredible talent with the ball and years of production. History is coming around though. While it is easy for twitter trolls to dismiss leadership and maturity as foundational stones of the QB skillset, it seems pretty clear that this is where Williams is lacking. He needs to be able to keep it together for himself and his teammates. Until he can do that, the Bears are going nowhere.
• Panthers – Bryce Young came around a little bit last year. As much as I wanted to put them in the “Good for an Upset” section, they just aren’t that good. How about “good enough to make you uncomfortable”? There is not any elite talent on this team even if it isn’t all duds either.

Not Bad, but Not Eh Either

• Jaguars – This was the hardest team to rank. The defense should be sneaky good and the offense has some serious weapons with Brian Thomas, Travis Hunter, and Dyami Brown but the offensive line stinks and Trevor Lawrence isn’t that good. He doesn’t have the Joe Burrow level talent to actually get the ball to those guys under the extreme conditions he will be put under. Also, while I am earnestly rooting for Travis Hunter, I don’t see him holding up all season. If he gets knocked around during a series, he does not get the benefit of getting the next possession to regroup without downgrading the offense/defense that is now missing him. Too many things have to go right for him to really show his special talents every week.

Eh

• Chargers – I feel like I am taking crazy pills when people praise Justin Herbert. He is regularly put in the pantheon of Mahomes, Allen, Burrow, and Jackson (and above Hurts), despite neither winning nor producing at their level. If you were to ask the average person, they would probably assume he regularly throws for 40 TDs and wins the vast majority of his games. Nope. In 17 games last year, he threw for 23 TDs. Over the last 3 seasons he averages around 25 TDs and a 9-8 record over a full season. Let’s not get into his abysmal playoff resume. His 6’6″ frame, good looks, and great hair make him seem elite when he isn’t. As for the Chargers? More of the same, but now without Rashawn Slater.
• Steelers – …But it might work for us! Oh Steelers, what have you become? This used to be the team of no nonsense, but now they have Captain Nonsense Aaron Rodgers steering the ship. This season might be the death of Mike Tomlin. They got by last year on smoke and mirrors and largely returned the same level of talent, so expect a 7-10 or 8-9 season.
• 49ers – They are purposely taking a step back this season after the window of good inexpensive QB play closed. That’s not bashing Brock Purdy, I just mean that they can’t have bloated contracts all over the roster anymore and needed to take this year to slim down. What was special about this team over the last few years is no more and they will need to transition to something else.
• Patriots – It is a little weird that the Patriots were the team that won the offseason. That hasn’t been in their DNA over the last 25 years. Unfortunately, teams that win the offseason are usually overcompensating for a lot of big holes that free agency can never fully cover. If Drake Maye ascends to another level of star, it will all be worth it, but I am dubious. Who is catching passes in New England? Stephon Diggs? How is that relationship going already?
• Raiders – They get a small bump by hiring Pete Carroll. This doesn’t mean I think Carroll is a genius, it means I think they are desperate. Winning will come before developing this year and next year, so expect them to win a few extra games, but there still isn’t much to like.. Now I have convinced myself to drop them down.
• Dolphins – They are a mess. Last season ended with the team’s best player, Tyreek Hill, quitting on the team. Instead of cutting him and using the event to instill a new culture of accountability within the team, the Dolphins are keeping him and acting like nothing happened. The coach is on the hot seat, no one actually believes in Tua, the secondary is a mess, and the team has less talent on it than you think. This is probably too high, but they will be able to beat the bad teams simply by outrunning them. Against anyone any good though, they will fall apart.
• Cowboys – The Cowboys brought in George Pickens to pair with CeeDee Lamb and Cowboys fans are thinking AIR RAID. Of course, that assumes Dak can get them the ball after Zack Martin retired and rookies and bad vets manning most of the offensive line. Then there is the whole Micah Parsons situation. This team has high potential to collapse on itself. [EDITOR’S NOTE: The collapse has begun! They were previously in the Not As Good As They Think They Are]

Good For an Upset

• Falcons – I don’t know yet what they have in Michael Penix, but this is truly one of the dumbest ownership/management combos in football. They have some fine skill position players and a good secondary, but there doesn’t seem to be any substance behind the talent here. Do they have an identity at all? They are only “Good for an Upset” because that is exactly what they did to the Eagles last year.
• Buccaneers – Everyone loves to reign praise upon Baker Mayfield, but he led the league in both interceptions and fumbles last year. 40 TDs is cool, but pundits are claiming he is a top 10 QB when he is more like Jameis Winston. Will he sometimes have more of the TDs and less of the TOs in certain games? Yes, and that might steal him a few wins here and there, but the opposite is true too.
• Broncos – The Broncos are built on the offensive and defensive lines, which, as an Eagles fan, agrees with me. Everything will come down to Bo Nix and whether last year was his ceiling or his floor as a 25 year old rookie. Side note on Nix, he was born in a place called Arkadelphia. I have questions.
• Cardinals – Kyler Murray puts a cap on the level this team can get to because he simply isn’t good enough to win games consistently. The pass catchers are ready to break out big this year if Murray can actually get them the ball, but that’s easier said than done. As much as I dislike Jonathan Gannon, this does seem to be an increasingly competent team though.

Not As Good as They Think

• Packers – There is something about the Green Bay Packers that always gives them an extra bump when it comes to evaluation. Jordan Love is not a Top 10 QB, there’s nothing special about the receivers, and the coach routinely comes up empty when it counts. Thankfully Eagles fans see through them for the whiny annoyances that they are. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Parsons does not move the needle]
• Bengals – Same old Bengals. Lots of money invested in the passing game (over $100m) but nothing much to show for the defense or the offensive line. Joe Burrow is so good that he single handedly lifts this team to respectability despite not being able to build a roster around him for their life.
• Commanders – Am I bitter that every member of the media is rushing to give Jayden Daniels his flowers while ignoring the Super Bowl MVP? Yeah, I probably am. This ranking has more to do with the age and construction of this team though. Laremy Tunsil was traded from a team that was desperate for offensive line help. Deebo Samuel was traded from a team desperate for WR help. Do those moves seem weird to anyone else? Plus, they got rid of Jonathan Allen and doubled down on all the veterans they brought in last year. Instead of getting younger around Daniels, they got much older. They also went 8-4 in one score games last year. While that is a good thing to learn how to do, it is also not usually sustainable year over year.

Better Than You Think

• Rams – There is not a single Eagles fan who honestly thought we weren’t in trouble in that playoff game. Sure, that paints my picture a bit, but I was more impressed on how they developed so many draft picks so quickly. This team was supposed to be rebuilding last year but improved each and every week. Their big problem is the health of Matt Stafford. As long as he is healthy, they have a chance to win the Super Bowl.
• Vikings – More so than any other team in the NFL, this team is dependent on their QB. That is obvious for most teams with star QBs, but with Minny it is different. JJ McCarthy does not have any experience but has been given the keys to a loaded roster that improved everywhere this offseason. I know it is the Vikings, and they are usually a punch line, but the improvement this offseason was palpable. They just need McCarthy to be solid. Unfortunately, they have no idea if he can be that.
• Seahawks – I know, I’m surprised too. Over the last few weeks as I have been studying the league, it kept jumping out at me that Seattle has built itself a young sustainable team. They won’t be able to pay all of these guys next year, but this season should be nothing but letting those guys show out. Don’t be surprised if they are in the running for their division at the end of the year.
• Texans – A lot of QBs are unfairly evaluated without offensive line context. No QB is going to look good if they are either running for their life or expecting to be running for their life. I don’t know if that’s what happened to Stroud last year, but I do know that Houston’s line was SO BAD that they got rid of everyone and started over. That should tell you all you need to know. The defense is legit and adds CJGJ to the mix, but if that line doesn’t get fixed, they are dead in the water. They probably shouldn’t be this high, but I can’t shake that playoff performance last year. They played the Chiefs incredibly tough despite having no advantage.

Believe it When I See It

• Ravens and Bills – On paper, the Ravens and Bills are contenders. On the field though, these two are forever linked as the Knicks and Cavs of their generation, unable to ever get past their Jordan, Patrick Mahomes. Thier QBs have MVPs and the rosters are loaded with All-Pros on both sides of the ball, but until they can defeat their final boss there is just nothing else to say. How can anyone claim these two are contenders when no one believes they will ever get past the Chiefs? Maybe the Eagles shellacking KC in the Super Bowl will bring renewed confidence and game planning to these matchups, but as the tier goes, I won’t believe it until I see it. They are still good and contenders for the best record, just not the championship.

Contenders

• Lions – The biggest difference between the Lions and the Ravens/Bills tier is that the Lions had excuses last season. They were injured as all hell going into their playoff game against Washington and still almost won. The other two were always at full health when they got shutdown. Now if the Lions choke again like they did to the 49ers the previous year, then that’s different. If last year was the last time I believed in Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen, this is the last year to believe in Jared Goff and company.
• Chiefs – Like it or hate it, they have been the final boss for years. We came in for a fight two years ago and almost pulled it off. Almost isn’t good enough against Patrick Mahomes though, you have to be perfect everywhere or he is going to win. Last year they seemed like they might have a hole in the armor but Buffalo, at the peak of their powers, still came up short. That tells you all you need to know about the focus and competitiveness of this team.
• Eagles – Of course, the Chiefs didn’t win last year. In video games, sometimes when you lose to the boss you stop, leave the area, and regroup to get so overpowered that the next time you come for the crown you can’t miss. That’s what the Eagles did. While everyone was distracted by the Chiefs beating the Bills again, they failed to notice that the Eagles were souped up in every single way. The pass rush was dominant, the linebackers featured a DPOY candidate, the secondary had 2 rookie studs playing beyond their years, and the offense knew exactly how to play mistake free, unstoppable football. There was no getting in the Eagles’ way last year. This year? Don’t believe the noise about the team losing depth. All of the free agents who left were only allowed to leave because their backups are ready for the spotlight. By the end of the year, Moro Ojomo and Jalyx Hunt will be household names. Oh yeah, and we may have taken the best defensive player in the draft with Jihaad Campbell. Now the Eagles are the final boss.