I am usually a stop-watching-everyone-else-once-my-team-loses kind of guy, but I’ve heard some people look for an alternative rooting interest these NFL Playoffs now that the Eagles are out. I don’t think this is even a debate, but still I see people online getting it wrong. Let’s rank the remaining teams in terms of Eagles-Alternative Rootability (EAR), shall we…
Before we get started, what is EAR? Glad you asked. It is a completely subjective system I came up with on the fly to assess whether you as an Eagles fan can root for another team based on the city, team history, any positive Eagles rivalry/connection, and, of course, miscellaneous bullshit. 25 points each, with the higher score being better.
9. San Francisco 49ers – EAR: 4
- City: 3 – SF outranks LA in hateability now because it has become what we used to hate about LA. A city of tech billionaires and snobby a-holes who basically bankrupted their neighbor and have more smug per capita than literally any other location.
- History: 1 – They have 5 Super Bowl rings and have no redeeming qualities.
- Eagles Connection: 0 – The last 4 years have created a strong rivalry and with genuine hatred for Deebo Samuel previously and Trent Williams forever.
- Misc BS: 0 – Whiniest fanbase in the world with excuses for everything. Even yesterday when they won, they tried to claim Eagles fans cheered Kittle getting hurt. When they have nothing to complain about, they make something up. Awful.
8 – Patriots – EAR: 18
- City: 1 – This one’s easy…Fuck Boston. They aren’t NYC and that’s why they didn’t get a perfect score of 0.
- History: 3 – This one is also easy considering all of their success over the last 20 years, but Tom Brady has genuinely become likable since he retired which gives them something of a heartbeat here.
- Eagles Connection: 10 – I have a soft spot in my heart for Milton Williams.
- Misc BS: 4 – Don’t let their recent quiet trick you, Patriots fans are insufferable. They get a few points because we can always bring up Nick Foles and SB 52 to them.
7 – Rams – EAR: 32
- City: 7 – There used to be a Philly LA rivalry and we still hate the Dodgers, but it’s more nostalgia than anything.
- History: 10 – The Rams have 2 wins and 3 losses in the Super Bowl all-time and won 4 years ago. They are simply not a storied franchise even if different eras are remembered as such.
- Eagles Connection: 0 – There has been a lot shit talk between these franchises, but the Eagles seem to beat them every time we play. There doesn’t seem to be any connection between the two rosters.
- Misc BS: 15 – I thought there would be more than there is but again, the Eagles simply keep beating the Rams in all sorts of fun ways. Eagles have won 10 out of 11. We do hate them though, plus there was the whole Sam Bradford trade…sigh.
6 – Bills – EAR: 39
- City: 11 – How in the world could anyone have anything against Buffalo? They get a 3 instead of a 1 because there is nothing to actually like either.
- History: 25 – Four Super Bowl losses in a row then 30 years of not making it back. It’s a desperate fanbase.
- Eagles Connection: 2 – Sean McDermott is a former Eagles assistant, but is now considered an enemy of the franchise. Aside from that, we hate Joey Bosa and Jordan Phillips. At least, the Eagles are the only team in the NFL Josh Allen has never beaten.
- Misc BS: 1 – It’s not Josh Allen’s fault that his narrative is completely different from that of Jalen Hurts, I hold it against him anyway (like Justin Herbert). Allen will get excuses made for him for his shortcomings while Hurts will get killed for the things he does well. If Allen has nothing to do with something (like a screen pass) he gets the accolade while Hurts will be blamed for the shortcomings of his OC. Again, not JA’s fault, but it’s still annoying. Then there is the Tush Push narrative, which HC McDermott called unsafe, then ran it with his QB more than the Eagles. When the Bills do it, it is beloved. When the Eagles do it, it’s bad for football.
5 – Steelers – EAR: 51
- City: 15 – I’ve never been one for the cross-state rivalry and don’t even consider the city of Pittsburgh on the day to day. It would still reflect bad on Philly if they won though. Otherwise, good food, good people, and good architecture (plus they filmed the Dark Knight movies there).
- History: 6 – Six Super Bowl wins, but it has been nearly 20 years since the last one. Another win would just continue their relevancy even longer and we can’t have that.
- Eagles Connection: 15 – Kenny Gainwell, Jack Driscoll, kinda Darius Slay, and if you squint Assante Samuel Jr. (his dad).
- Misc BS: 15 – I like Mike Tomlin, TJ Watt, and most of their team except Aaron Rodgers. He drags them down with his conspiracy theory nonsense, smugness, and very strange career. Of course, they might be eliminated before you read this.
4 – Broncos – EAR: 53
- City: 16 – Denver is a cool city until you try to drink a beer there. I’ve had the displeasure of spending 2 weekends there and the altitude messed me up both times.
- History: 12 – Just a continually solid franchise with 3 SB trophies now. They do not need another one.
- Eagles Connection: 20 – If the Eagles were still in this, I would be madder. That Eagles Broncos game this year was an officiating abomination. They do have former Eagle Alex Singleton though and his story is a great one. He is carrying a lot of the weight here.
- Misc BS: 5 – Fuck Sean Payton. Plus, even though he’s one of my best friends, I cannot live in a world where Louie Brofsky is a Super Bowl champion again.
3 – Seahawks – EAR: 61
- City: 25 – Seattle is awesome. No complaints. Plus, you damn near hit Mount Rainier when you fly in there. Good fans too who got screwed by the NBA.
- History: 15 – One Super Bowl win in 3 tries, plus they have been a model franchise for a pretty long time now.
- Eagles Connection: 2 – They always kick our ass, and I mean always. It is 8 in a row and 10 out of 11. I still remember that 42-0 drubbing back in 2005 too. Then there is the JAdaveon Clowney hit on Carson Wentz back in the 2020 playoffs. They do at least have former Eagle Josh Jobe on the squad.
- Misc BS: 19 – Does always having an unlikable QB count? Matt Hasselback, Russell Wilson, Geno Smith, and now Sam Darnold? What is it about them the attracts that kind of annoyance. I am also counting on them desperately to knock off the 49ers.
2 – Bears – EAR: 85
- City: 22 – Chicago is an awesome city and a great sports town plain and simple. They only lose points because the winter is just so damn cold.
- History: 20 – The Bears just have that one magical season and it was 40 years ago. They had no chance in 2006 with Sexy Rexy Grossman. Then there’s the double doink.
- Eagles Connection: 23 – We’ve got some Eagles in this house: D’Andre Swift, Olamide Zaccheaus, TJ Edwards, Kevin Byard, and, of course, CJGJ. They lose some points because it didn’t really end well with a few of those guys.
- Misc BS: 20 – None to really speak of. Their coach is a dick, but that’s kind of a positive in these parts. Then there is CJGJ calling out how predictable the Eagles offense is, but that is going to earn them points too.
1 – Texans – EAR: 89
- City: 21 – Joey Bets claims Houston is awesome and Jalen Hurts is from there. Does it have anything else going for it other than rockets and oil? Probably not.
- History: 24 – They lost their damn team! That stinks. Since then, they had some years to be optimistic, but it always ended up not working out.
- Eagles Connection: 19 – The roster only features quick Eagle Harrison Bryant, but coach Demeco Ryans played his last 4 years in Philadelphia. No one ever had a bad thing to say about him.
- Misc BS: 25 – Why so high? Because the Texans winning would be such a killer for Cowboys fans. Not only are they natural Texas rivals, but the Texans weren’t even a consideration last time the Cowboys won. Back then (in the olden times), the Oilers still played in Houston. The Texans didn’t play their first game until 2002. That would feel pretty good. Also, I LOVE the Battle Red Unis.
I really hope I didn’t just jinx the Texans considering they have not yet played.
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